DOWN AND OUT NO MORE-HOW JESUS HELPED ME FINALLY OVERCOME DEPRESSION

I use to let so much get me down and I have also been though so many bouts of severe depression.  It felt like the past continually overshadowed everything I would try to do and I felt that my past would always define me.   Not because how hard it had been for me.  That had absolutely no bearing on anything.  It was only because I had let the past get in the way of everything I would try to do to make things better.   I would let it decide who, what, where, when  and that made it impossible to feel anything but defeat.

NOT ANYMORE!

I can’t say exactly what changed everything and even when.  When I look back on the change in my attitude it feels like it was something sudden, but realistically it was a process that happened over time.  I believe the first change I made was to stop focusing so much on my health.  I’m by no means saying a person shouldn’t focus on their health at all, but you can’t spend every waking hour doing such thing.  You should only spend the amount that is really required on that.  There was also so many other things I did to get me over that hump that I lived at for so long.  I have started a list of those things and here the ones of I thought of so far:

1. As I  stated before “don’t focus too much on your health.”  For the longest time my poor health was what defined me.  I convinced myself that the reason for that was so I could find someway to get better.  The fact is I had let it consume me.  When I finally let go of that and started to focus on what I could do and not what I couldn’t, it was beginning of finally turning my life around.
   
2. “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”  Things will go wrong in life, go through it the best you can, deal with it,  learn from it and move on!
3. “Get rid of the negative influences in life.”  That was such an important thing to do.  I realized that being around others who complained all the time was really getting me down.  I then told everyone that I don’t want to hear negativity all the time, I wanted to surround myself with positive things.  That didn’t mean I stopped listening to others, nope not at all.  I listened, gave my opinion or advice as well as spoke to them about the positives to their dilemma and sometimes about how they need to try to let go of their negativity (didn’t always go over as well as I had hoped, but I tried to help and that’s all I could do.  I couldn’t fix everything for them).
4. Start realizing you have a lot to be proud of!  As long as you are doing the best you can, what is there to regret?”  I use to have a really hard time with that one.  After all, I spent the past 44 years putting myself down, how was I suppose to see good in myself all of a sudden?  Well, first I looked at my situation.  I’m a disabled single parent of 4 kids who had previously been in a domestic violence relationship whose having a tough time affording everything.  Even so, I am still making it, barely but my family had everything it NEEDS.  I then realized I had to let go of the guilt  I was feeling due to my kids having a father who primarily was abusive to me, but beginning to be that way with them.  I realized that I did everything I should have and even could have to try to make it better.  I may have been foolish at times, but my heart was in the right place.  I also realized the reason I kept going back to him was for my safety of my children.  I was afraid of them being alone with him and the only way I felt they were safe was if I was there to protect them.  I finally got all of us away from him for good but it was after I had one of the kids therapist who was going to testify in court for me and so he suggested that we have a court order that gave the decision to the kids on whether they saw or spoke to him at all.  In a way it was like rolling dice.  I was in the most part confident of what they would choose but there was always a chance I was wrong, but luckily I wasn’t.  Besides an occasionally conversation or a short short visit, they have chosen to stay away from him.  Once I put that behind me I then started to think about what “limitations” the doctors had given me and how they said to take it easy even if I was having a day where I felt really good.   Over and over I was told not to  overdo it.  That just seemed so ridiculous to me.  Why should I take the days that I feel really good and not take advantage of those days.  So I changed that.  I did as much as I could, when I could and I far surpassed what I should have been able to do.  From that point on I decided I would not waste my good days on doing barely anything .  I take full advantage of those days and even though I sometimes have to pay in pain for several days afterwards,  it showed me how much I was accomplishing and doing and that’s something I should be proud of.   I easily could have had an excuse to not do much at all, but while some able-bodied persons were making up any and all excuses to just sit around, I wasn’t.  I was making the most of everything.  Even though it can be time-consuming and difficult, I feel this is one step that can’t be taken out.
5. “Stop listening to that negative voice in your head that tries to convince you that you can’t do something.”  Even today I struggle with that voice, but when I catch myself putting myself down, I then will scold myself for thinking that way again.  May sound a little crazy.   Some of you might be saying “This woman talks to herself and even scolds herself,” but if I didn’ I easily could have had an excuse to not do much at all, but while some able-bodied persons were making up any and all excuses to just sit around, I wasn’t.  I was making the most of everything.  Even though it can be time-consuming and difficult, I feel this is one step that can’t be taken out.t, who would. Oh…I’m sure there are many controlling people out there that would like to take over, but….no thank you.  It has to come from me or I won’t be able to do anything at all.  I have to be the one in control of my destiny!
6. Find and memorize bible verses or “quotes” that mean something to you.  The ones I like to use are:   “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” and “With God all things are possible.”  When one thing after another goes wrong I will quote Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.”  I have pictures and anything else I can find with those verses on them all around my house and usually where ever I go.  I also make sure I tell myself “I can do it.”  If I think in a negative way,  I won’t be able to do anything I try to do.
7. Realize that you will have bad days.  I don’t have any misconceptions that every day will go the way I want it to go.   If you are then you’re creating expectations for yourself that you can never fulfill.  Be reasonable and set goals that are attainable and if you don’t succeed at all your goals, forgive yourself, move on and reevaluate what you can do.

I won’t claim to be an expert on this subject, I can only speak to what has worked for me.  I can say that there’s no human being that is perfect and to try to reach perfection is ridiculous and puts you on a road that will lead to your downfall.   I will admit that this feeling of happiness can be overwhelming at times and hard to believe I finally feel this way, but I do.  I know this is real and it’s because I made it happen.   Happiness is a reality but you have to really want it and clear about what the meaning of happiness really is.

 Happiness is a state of well-being and contentment : joy and/or a pleasurable or satisfying experience.  Happiness is also what you and only you make it to be.

I don’t know if this will help anyone else, but because of how I feel that we go through things so we can understand others and be there to help them when they are going through something similar, I need to share what has worked for me.  I have also felt for the longest time that there’s something that the Lord wants me to do to help others and that there are greater things to come that I’m suppose to do someday.  I’ve felt this way for a very long time and I even though I do feel that it is yet to come, who knows?  Maybe even this blog has something to do with his plan for me.  Whatever it is, if I’m not ready when I finally realize that here, it will be o.k. and I will get done whatever it is He has chosen for me to do.

Thank you Lord Jesus for everything you’ve done for me.  I may not have always appreciated it at the time and there were times I only saw the negative side of things, but you Lord Jesus have opened my eyes to so much.  You have given me understanding that I would have never had if I hadn’t ever suffered and that is such a wonderful gift you have given to me.  Again, THANK YOU LORD JESUS FOR EVERYTHING!

 

WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

Just saying that makes me feel like a little kid again, at least temporarily, but unfortunately it all center around being an adult.  An adult who has responsibilities, who has others she provides for and who has many relying on her all the while not having anyone she really can rely on.

CAN’T I PLEASE JUST BE A KID AGAIN?

I’d give anything to go back to those days when all I worried about is what fun I was going to have that day, but those days are gone and although I’d love to not have so many worries, I still wouldn’t give up the people in my life just so I could.

As the 2012 Holiday season begins, I’m finding myself deep in thought about so many things.  For one, the past few years my holiday spirit  for the most part had gone “POOF” .  It seemed Christmas was mainly about money and since that is something I pretty much lack, I guess I just gave up.  I don’t want that this year.  I want to go back to where I would go over the top decorating the house.  I don’t think I have even put my Christmas tree up for the last two years and not only due to financial reasons, but physical ones too.  I gave up on myself and didn’t even try…….NOT THIS YEAR!  This year I’m going to go so over the top it will take a while for anyone to track me down.

So I named this post of mine “What I want for Christmas”  and really it’s not really about what I want for Christmas but what I want for others.  First of all, for once I would like to say to my kids “No problem, we can get that.”

I’d also like to get my oldest son something he’s been saying he’s wanted for some time now.  He knows what that is and it’s not something frivolous, but it definitely is not something I could afford.  Cheapest is around $400.00.  My youngest daughter would like things for her room and clothes that aren’t from Goodwill and my youngest son needs a computer that doesn’t constantly freeze on him.  My oldest daughter is getting married and there’s many things she’s going to need and I would just like to enjoy going into a store again.  That is something that’s hard to do when you can’t afford to buy Christmas presents for the ones you love.

Somehow I’m going to make sure that this is a good X-mas.  Would be nice if my ex would cough up a bit of the almost $100,000 he owes me for back child support, but I’ve given up on thinking that will ever happen.  One thing I can say is even though I’m living on disability, I have supported my kids and we may not have the best of everything, but we have survived so far and have even thrived in many ways.  He couldn’t say that.  It’s called being a parent something he never has understood.

Probably will be posting more on both of these subjects, but that’s it for now.  Hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving!  God Bless!