Monthly Archives: December 2012

GOT A LOT OF NERVE....LITERALLY!

ARCHITECT OF FUTUREI use to let so much get me down and I have also been though so many bouts of severe depression.  It felt like the past continually overshadowed everything I would try to do and I felt that my past would always define me.   Not because how hard it had been for me.  That had absolutely no bearing on anything.  It was only because I had let the past get in the way of everything I would try to do to make things better.   I would let it decide who, what, where, when  and that made it impossible to feel anything but defeat.

NOT ANYMORE!

I can’t say exactly what changed everything and even when.  When I look back on the change in my attitude it feels like it was something sudden, but realistically it was a process that happened over time.  I believe the first change I…

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DOWN AND OUT NO MORE-HOW JESUS HELPED ME FINALLY OVERCOME DEPRESSION

ARCHITECT OF FUTUREI use to let so much get me down and I have also been though so many bouts of severe depression.  It felt like the past continually overshadowed everything I would try to do and I felt that my past would always define me.   Not because how hard it had been for me.  That had absolutely no bearing on anything.  It was only because I had let the past get in the way of everything I would try to do to make things better.   I would let it decide who, what, where, when  and that made it impossible to feel anything but defeat.

NOT ANYMORE!

I can’t say exactly what changed everything and even when.  When I look back on the change in my attitude it feels like it was something sudden, but realistically it was a process that happened over time.  I believe the first change I made was to stop focusing so much on my health.  I’m by no means saying a person shouldn’t focus on their health at all, but you can’t spend every waking hour doing such thing.  You should only spend the amount that is really required on that.  There was also so many other things I did to get me over that hump that I lived at for so long.  I have started a list of those things and here the ones of I thought of so far:

  1. As I  stated before “don’t focus too much on your health.”  For the longest time my poor health was what defined me.  I convinced myself that the reason for that was so I could find someway to get better.  The fact is I had let it consume me.  When I finally let go of that and started to focus on what I could do and not what I couldn’t, it was beginning of finally turning my life around.
  2. “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”  Things will go wrong in life, go through it the best you can, deal with it,  learn from it and move on!
  3. “Get rid of the negative influences in life.”  That was such an important thing to do.  I realized that being around others who complained all the time was really getting me down.  I then told everyone that I don’t want to hear negativity all the time, I wanted to surround myself with positive things.  That didn’t mean I stopped listening to others, nope not at all.  I listened, gave my opinion or advice as well as spoke to them about the positives to their dilemma and sometimes about how they need to try to let go of their negativity (didn’t always go over as well as I had hoped, but I tried to help and that’s all I could do.  I couldn’t fix everything for them).
  4. Start realizing you have a lot to be proud of!  As long as you are doing the best you can, what is there to regret?”  I use to have a really hard time with that one.  After all, I spent the past 44 years putting myself down, how was I suppose to see good in myself all of a sudden?  Well, first I looked at my situation.  I’m a disabled single parent of 4 kids who had previously been in a domestic violence relationship whose having a tough time affording everything.  Even so, I am still making it, barely but my family had everything it NEEDS.  I then realized I had to let go of the guilt  I was feeling due to my kids having a father who primarily was abusive to me, but beginning to be that way with them.  I realized that I did everything I should have and even could have to try to make it better.  I may have been foolish at times, but my heart was in the right place.  I also realized the reason I kept going back to him was for my safety of my children.  I was afraid of them being alone with him and the only way I felt they were safe was if I was there to protect them.  I finally got all of us away from him for good but it was after I had one of the kids therapist who was going to testify in court for me and so he suggested that we have a court order that gave the decision to the kids on whether they saw or spoke to him at all.  In a way it was like rolling dice.  I was in the most part confident of what they would choose but there was always a chance I was wrong, but luckily I wasn’t.  Besides an occasionally conversation or a short short visit, they have chosen to stay away from him.  Once I put that behind me I then started to think about what “limitations” the doctors had given me and how they said to take it easy even if I was having a day where I felt really good.   Over and over I was told not to  overdo it.  That just seemed so ridiculous to me.  Why should I take the days that I feel really good and not take advantage of those days.  So I changed that.  I did as much as I could, when I could and I far surpassed what I should have been able to do.  From that point on I decided I would not waste my good days on doing barely anything .  I take full advantage of those days and even though I sometimes have to pay in pain for several days afterwards,  it showed me how much I was accomplishing and doing and that’s something I should be proud of.   I easily could have had an excuse to not do much at all, but while some able-bodied persons were making up any and all excuses to just sit around, I wasn’t.  I was making the most of everything.  Even though it can be time-consuming and difficult, I feel this is one step that can’t be taken out.
  5. “Stop listening to that negative voice in your head that tries to convince you that you can’t do something.”  Even today I struggle with that voice, but when I catch myself putting myself down, I then will scold myself for thinking that way again.  May sound a little crazy.   Some of you might be saying “This woman talks to herself and even scolds herself,” but if I didn’ I easily could have had an excuse to not do much at all, but while some able-bodied persons were making up any and all excuses to just sit around, I wasn’t.  I was making the most of everything.  Even though it can be time-consuming and difficult, I feel this is one step that can’t be taken out.t, who would. Oh…I’m sure there are many controlling people out there that would like to take over, but….no thank you.  It has to come from me or I won’t be able to do anything at all.  I have to be the one in control of my destiny!
  6. Find and memorize bible verses or “quotes” that mean something to you.  The ones I like to use are:   “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” and “With God all things are possible.”  When one thing after another goes wrong I will quote Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.”  I have pictures and anything else I can find with those verses on them all around my house and usually where ever I go.  I also make sure I tell myself “I can do it.”  If I think in a negative way,  I won’t be able to do anything I try to do.
  7. Realize that you will have bad days.  I don’t have any misconceptions that every day will go the way I want it to go.   If you are then you’re creating expectations for yourself that you can never fulfill.  Be reasonable and set goals that are attainable and if you don’t succeed at all your goals, forgive yourself, move on and reevaluate what you can do.

I won’t claim to be an expert on this subject, I can only speak to what has worked for me.  I can say that there’s no human being that is perfect and to try to reach perfection is ridiculous and puts you on a road that will lead to your downfall.   I will admit that this feeling of happiness can be overwhelming at times and hard to believe I finally feel this way, but I do.  I know this is real and it’s because I made it happen.   Happiness is a reality but you have to really want it and clear about what the meaning of happiness really is.

 Happiness is a state of well-being and contentment : joy and/or a pleasurable or satisfying experience.  Happiness is also what you and only you make it to be.

CHANGE

I don’t know if this will help anyone else, but because of how I feel that we go through things so we can understand others and be there to help them when they are going through something similar, I need to share what has worked for me.  I have also felt for the longest time that there’s something that the Lord wants me to do to help others and that there are greater things to come that I’m suppose to do someday.  I’ve felt this way for a very long time and I even though I do feel that it is yet to come, who knows?  Maybe even this blog has something to do with his plan for me.  Whatever it is, if I’m not ready when I finally realize that here, it will be o.k. and I will get done whatever it is He has chosen for me to do.

everything possibleThank you Lord Jesus for everything you’ve done for me.  I may not have always appreciated it at the time and there were times I only saw the negative side of things, but you Lord Jesus have opened my eyes to so much.  You have given me understanding that I would have never had if I hadn’t ever suffered and that is such a wonderful gift you have given to me.  Again, THANK YOU LORD JESUS FOR EVERYTHING!

 

New Beautiful

A video I made for anyone who has experienced domestic violence

 

UPDATED “ABOUT” PAGE

confidentI just updated my “home” page and wasn’t sure if anyone would be informed about the changes.

I hope everyone finds it to be something they enjoy.

NO REGRETS

BLESSINGS IN DISGUISEIn the past I will admit that I made some very horrible choices. Choices that to this day still have very negative repercussion. Would I make the same choices today? Probably not. Do I regret making those choices?

Absolutely NOT!

How could I look back on any choice I’ve made in the past with regret when I fully know that each of those choices led me to where I am and especially who I am today.

One of my favorite Bible verses is Romans 8:28 “And we know that all thing work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” I think the key word in that verse is “ALL”.

Have you ever had something unexpectedly happen that made you late leaving to go somewhere? Then as your finally on the road driving to that place you see an auto accident that happened moments before and think “Wow, that could of been me.”  I have several times and I don’t look at that “unexpected thing” happening as just a coincidence. I see it as God working in my life to protect me. But it’s not just the good things that happen where God’s working in our lives. It’s all the bad too. My ex-husband was abusive in almost every way possible. I can’t look back on that and wish I hadn’t gone through that. You may ask “Why?” The reason is so simple; I wouldn’t have one of my kids if I hadn’t. How can I regret that. I also wouldn’t be able to understand others who are in the same type of relationships. One thing I would like to do in the future is help others in domestic violence relationship but how can I help them if I don’t understand them.

Bad things will happen in life, but it’s how we use those bad things in the future that counts. I know I’m going to go through many more hurts in life. At that time I will may wish it wouldn’t have happened, but as long as I take something from it and use it, then I have to believe I’m being called according to His purpose.

TRYING TO FIND THE RIGHT PATH

all the timeHave you ever felt that you’re not where you’re suppose to be.  Lately, that is something I’ve felt on a daily basis.  The problem is I don’t know where it is that I’m suppose to be.

God…..Please help me, please tell me what it is you want me to be doing!

I have a feeling that the answer is right in front of my eyes but fear is standing in the way of me seeing what it is.  What fear could I possibly have.  Oh……gosh there are so many.  The biggest one is the fear of not doing the right thing.  More than anything else I want to do the right thing.  Actually, when I do the wrong thing by mistake, I beat myself up for it.  My kids tease me about how I get angry with myself while going through an intersection and I don’t get through it before the light turns red.  I don’t why I’m so hard on myself but I think I need to be.  No one can be responsible for any choice I make but me.  So if I don’t discipline myself, and I do something wrong, the consequences could be dire.  I’d rather correct any wrong I’m doing so it never goes that far.

So how am I suppose to find the path I’m suppose to be on when I can’t get past the fear of failing.  I don’t know what to do.  I also think about how some say that you need to have your own house in order before you can help others.  My house is definitely not in order and it’s not from a lack of  trying, more from guilt I use have about the past and letting myself be treated more like a doormat than anything else.  I’ve changed a lot, but just because I changed doesn’t mean everyone has to.  But where do you draw the line?  I think I need an answer to that and so much more before I finally realize my full potential.

I’m a mom.  I’m a Christian.  Which is more important to me?  Some may not agree with what I’m going to say, but I feel being a Christian is more important than anything else.  Still……how am I suppose to separate myself from the responsibility of being a mom?  That’s something I’m really struggling with now.

In a perfect world, I would have total control of my household.  My kids would be on the same page as I am and would understand my desires completely.  We don’t live in a perfect world though and if we did I don’t believe I would be where I am today spiritually.  I feel God had me go through difficult times to give me understanding I couldn’t possibly have without going through everything I did.  I shutter at the thought of who I would be if I things didn’t go the way they did.

Some would say “I’m off my rocker” by saying I’m glad I’ve gone through everything I have.  Let’s see…..Epilepsy, eating disorder, suicide attempts, domestic violence/abuse, auto accident that contributed to becoming disabled and many other health issues, ongoing financial issues, etc…but I wouldn’t trade any of thing for something good.  I wouldn’t be me then and finally, for once in my life, I’m glad I’m me.

I’m going to continue to search for the path the Lord wants me to be on and when I do it will be because the Lord said “it’s time,” not before.  I believe his plan for me is going the way it is supposed to be and I’m questioning this so much so I can find that path.  All I need to do is put all my trust in the Lord.

 “But desire the greater gifts.  And I will show you an even better way.”  1 Corinthians 12:31  

                                                                                                                                                                                      

What’s on my heart today

When the day started and I opened my eyes from sleep that was so needed, immediately I felt a sense of dread.  It didn’t take long to figure out why.

Life’s personal and financial stresses.

 

I just wanted to go back to sleep, but my mind was not going to have it.  No……my mind wouldn’t stop thinking.

 

UGHHHHHHHH……. HERE COMES ANOTHER MIGRAINE/TENSION HEADACHE!

It didn’t matter how hard I would try to focus on other things.  The moment I did, something would happen that would make it worse. You would think I’d be a complete mess by now.  Nope, not even close.  Actually I feel I just got a bit stronger than I was before. I’m still struggling with the stresses of life, but I take comfort in my faith that tells me God will never forsake me.  He’s still here, by my side, holding me up, keeping me strong and making me stronger.

Sometimes I have heard others say “If God was real why would he let you go through the troubles you keep having in life.” I think everyone wants to have a protector that makes sure nothing bad will ever happen, but can you really imagine how life would be if everything was always perfect? I don’t believe it would be the best thing for any of us. Why? Think about that for a moment. I can list so many reasons why that would be more harmful than good.

romans 8 281.) If everything always went the right way, how would we ever learn to appreciate things.

2.) If we had everything and anything we ever wanted don’t you think we would start behaving like a spoiled child?

3.) If you didn’t have to worry about anything going wrong, what lesson would you ever learn, how would you grow?

I’m going to end my the list for now, even though I could keep going and going and going just like the Energizer bunny, but I have to say one last thing. I know that one day I will be in heaven and I will have the peace and rest that almost everyone longs to have, not because I wanted it, but because my faith in God has kept me strong so that I will have not only earned it, but I also deserve it.

Before I end this, I have to say “Thank you Lord Jesus for putting these words in my heart. I know that without you I am nothing, but the love you give me makes me feel like I’m everything I ever wanted to be. I give all the glory to you God and am so thankful for that.”

If you like this and want to share it with others, I think that would be so great. I believe that God lets us go through some things in life to help others who are going through something similar. Maybe there’s a very good reason for how I’ve felt today. Maybe someone’s feeling hopeless. Maybe someone else is on the brink of giving up. Who knows. Maybe just maybe this is God’s way of helping someone get through a day they couldn’t have otherwise. I know I definitely don’t that kind of power, but God does. Remember, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

“And we know that all things work together for good of those who love God: those who are called according to his purpose”
Romans 8:28

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