Category Archives: Pursuit of Happiness
I think most people have heard of this common idiom; if you haven’t here’s a link that will explain it to you: http://www.knowyourphrase.com/phrase-meanings/Beating-a-Dead-Horse.html.
I have always loved using idioms. For myself, an idiom has been a special way of expressing something I’m feeling and at times the best way of explaining a situation in more visual way. For example “the early bird gets the worm.” It explains that you can easily get ahead by being punctual and dependable. Another one I really like is “It takes two to tango,” meaning both people involved in a bad situation are responsible for it.
So today I came across a situation that I had once pursued but quickly gave up on. That is when I started thinking about the idiom “beating a dead horse.” It sound like a terrible thing to think of, but when you consider what it means it does make sense. It has nothing to do with beating someone or a dead horse or any other animal for that matter. What I take from this idiom is why try to fix something that can’t be fixed or why keep asking if the answer is always going to be the same For the most part, I believe it’s true that you shouldn’t keep bringing about an issue that has already been solved or concluded, but that was until I realized how what I was dealing with was really not concluded. I understand why I assumed it was. Any health issue I’ve had in the past decade hasn’t come with a cure or the cure for most didn’t work on me. I was always hearing that I needed to learn to live with it. Hearing that so much has made it where I stopped pursuing any treatments that may or may not help.
Now to explain what happened today I have to start from the beginning.
So, about 5 or more years ago I had seen a doctor about some excessive facial sweating I had experienced. I would literally be dripping of sweat with barely moving much . Even in the dead of winter with below freezing temperatures, if I would walking up and down stairs or scrubbing the counter or the bathtub, I would sweat profusely. At the time I thought maybe I was going through “the change” a little earlier than most or that I had some other medical issue that was causing it. So I went to see my family doctor and she ordered some blood work to be done on me. A few days later I received a call from her office and was told my blood work looked good and that they didn’t find anything abnormal. I know I probably should have pushed for a reason, but I dropped it and haven’t brought it up since then.
I think I can why I chose to handle it that way. I had already felt as though physically I was somewhat backwards long before that day. Once when a doctor was doing a test where they would touch the nerves in my back and I had to tell them where I felt it at, I was told that the sensations I was getting on my left side should have been felt on my right side and vice versa. I had other situations such as that and so it hit me that I was just backwards and far from normal. I eventually accepted that I’m not normal and even take pride in that at times.
Until recently, I was content with using that reasoning and just dealing with it, but for the past several years the sweating was getting worse. It started affecting where I would go and what I would do when other people would be around. I knew that I really couldn’t be outside in warm weather without immediately breaking a sweat and it was so obvious of what was happening. The only way I could hide it is if I was at a lake or by a swimming pool. It was a much harder situation to explain when it was cold. If starting moving around, even in freezing weather, I still would break a sweat. My hair would get sopping wet and it’s embarrassing. These days I’d rather sit at home then go anywhere. I’m tired of feeling that way. I think that is why I decided to search that symptom on the internet.
I THINK I MIGHT HAVE FOUND A REASON FOR WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME…………..
AND THERE’S EVEN A TREATMENT FOR IT TOO!
I just about to “whoop it up.” (Sorry had to throw that idiom in too: get excited with a party-like feel.) Seriously though, I felt I couldn’t believe it was really possible to finally get an answer to one of my many health issues and in reality there’s no guarantee I even have. I will find out soon though. After I realized there’s a name for what I might have (Hyperhidrosis) and that there’s medication for it I called my neurologist and have an appointment tomorrow. So wish me luck please, if this can fixed it will make a big difference in my life.
Lately I’ve been extremely busy playing catch up (ya right, honestly it’s more like get one thing done only to add two more to do) and so I haven’t had mu ch time to spend on my blog, so when I felt the need to express myself it’s been mainly on Facebook. With Facebook I don’t have to spend a lot of time in thought on what I want to say. Usually I post what’s on my mind right at that very moment. When something unexpected happens that I want to share, there’s my friends on Facebook that I can share my news with at a click of a button. By letting my feelings out when they’re still raw and new keeps them from being bottled up which has been incredibly …… FREEING, as well as HEALING. I feel when I admit what I feel I also accept who I am and start to process what is necessary to change whatever needs to be changed. With that being said, I want to point out another thing I really like about Facebook…… Seeing that someone commented on a post. Even it’s something as simple as WTG or :); to me it has brought me to where I am now, what this post is really about and I wish it wasn’t true. It is though and it something I for me I need to change and I can’t do that without confronting this problem, but here it goes…
OPENING THAT DEEP INFECTED WOUND NOW
TEARING OFF ALL THOSE BANDAGES THAT HAS COVERED IT UP FOR THIS LONG
THAT FACT IS………………..A
I FAILED…. FAILED IN MANY WAYS…. AS A DAUGHTER, AS A SISTER, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY AS A PARENT. SOMEONE SAYING THAT I DIDN’T WON’T HELP AT ALL BECAUSE KNOW IT’S TRUE AND I CAN’T GO BACK AND CHANGE THAT FACT AND THE TRUTH IS I WOULDN’T EITHER. AS MUCH AS I WISH I HAD NOT MADE THE MISTAKES I HAVE, I ALSO BELIEVE THAT WITHOUT THOSE MISTAKES I WOULDN’T BE THE PERSON I AM TODAY………….
I WOULDN’T BE ME AND I HONESTLY LIKE WHO I’M BECOMING
So now I need to make the biggest change yet.
Changing how I let others treat me. I’m tired of knowing that my opinion doesn’t matter that much to those around me.
It hurts to admit this but it’s very clear that I’m not valued by those I should be. These are one that time after time again I’ve bent over backwards for and they now expect me to continue to do that. I’m not appreciated even when they tell me I am, but their action speak volumes and honestly I think I’ve let out all I can for now. It’s just too painful. I just want to be given the love I give to others, but I don’t have and if I don’t deal with this, I never will.
Before I go, I’m going to share something I wrote and posted on Facebook.
IN MY OPINION – WHAT I HAVE BEEN PONDERING IN THOUGHT LATELY (JUST ANOTHER STEP IN THE QUEST TO BETTER MYSELF)
I think I’ve always been a kid at heart, even as a kid I was always trying to make other kids happy. I love going to amusement parks, bowling, etc….. and just having lots of fun. If the day ended with laughter then my heart smiled.
Even though I don’t want to lose that heart of mine, I also feel I need to take a step back from always being the parent that takes kids everywehere. I want to see if there are other adults out there who are more like me (I know there is somewhere) and who believes in 50/50 relationship,s as the saying goes “I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine.” Unfortunately, this world has mostly become a “ME, ME, ME and FORGET YOU world and I don’t want those type of relationships anymore. What example do I set if I’m ok with everything being one-sided. I think I deserve happiness, but I think my happiness is viewed as what’s least important.
Kids eventually grow up (as they should) and I feel as kids get older and have been hurt by life most end up conforming to how most of the world lives and from my view it’s usually a “I’m going to hurt you before you can hurt me” attitude and that also SUCKS.
I WAS TAUGHT TREAT OTHERS AS YOU YOURSELF WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED AND I WON’T STOP LIVING THAT WAY AND I KNOW THERE WILL BE TIMES I SLIP AND NOT DO THE RIGHT THING BUT HOPEFULLY I WILL REALIZE IT AND APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY I ACTED. ADMITTING YOUR FAULTS IS A PART OF GROWING THAT IS ESSENTIAL IN THIS QUEST I’M ON. I DON’T WANT TO TRY TO BE PERFECT, ONLY IS GOD IS PERFECT AND I DON’T THINK I COULD LIKE MYSELF MUCH IF I WAS LIVING DISHONESTLY AND NOT BEING MYSELF. I ALSO FEEL T A HO HAT A PERSON THAT CAN ADMIT WHEN THEIR WRONG IS A PERSON WHO ACCEPTS THEMSELVES AND OTHERS JUST FOR WHO THEY ARE!
I hope my random thoughts are not bothersome to others. I can’t hold those feelings in anymore and part of healing of my heart is to open the bottled up ones as well as not bottling my feelings up anymore. I have to be true to myself and just be “ME!”
and as much as I hate to lose any of my friends here I wouldn’t want someone to stay who feels annoyed by me. I won’t delete anyone without good reason, so if I do annoy you by sharing my feelings, for the best of both of us, please delete me.
I use to let so much get me down and I have also been though so many bouts of severe depression. It felt like the past continually overshadowed everything I would try to do and I felt that my past would always define me. Not because how hard it had been for me. That had absolutely no bearing on anything. It was only because I had let the past get in the way of everything I would try to do to make things better. I would let it decide who, what, where, when and that made it impossible to feel anything but defeat.
I can’t say exactly what changed everything and even when. When I look back on the change in my attitude it feels like it was something sudden, but realistically it was a process that happened over time. I believe the first change I made was to stop focusing so much on my health. I’m by no means saying a person shouldn’t focus on their health at all, but you can’t spend every waking hour doing such thing. You should only spend the amount that is really required on that. There was also so many other things I did to get me over that hump that I lived at for so long. I have started a list of those things and here the ones of I thought of so far:
- As I stated before “don’t focus too much on your health.” For the longest time my poor health was what defined me. I convinced myself that the reason for that was so I could find someway to get better. The fact is I had let it consume me. When I finally let go of that and started to focus on what I could do and not what I couldn’t, it was beginning of finally turning my life around.
- “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Things will go wrong in life, go through it the best you can, deal with it, learn from it and move on!
- “Get rid of the negative influences in life.” That was such an important thing to do. I realized that being around others who complained all the time was really getting me down. I then told everyone that I don’t want to hear negativity all the time, I wanted to surround myself with positive things. That didn’t mean I stopped listening to others, nope not at all. I listened, gave my opinion or advice as well as spoke to them about the positives to their dilemma and sometimes about how they need to try to let go of their negativity (didn’t always go over as well as I had hoped, but I tried to help and that’s all I could do. I couldn’t fix everything for them).
- Start realizing you have a lot to be proud of! As long as you are doing the best you can, what is there to regret?” I use to have a really hard time with that one. After all, I spent the past 44 years putting myself down, how was I suppose to see good in myself all of a sudden? Well, first I looked at my situation. I’m a disabled single parent of 4 kids who had previously been in a domestic violence relationship whose having a tough time affording everything. Even so, I am still making it, barely but my family had everything it NEEDS. I then realized I had to let go of the guilt I was feeling due to my kids having a father who primarily was abusive to me, but beginning to be that way with them. I realized that I did everything I should have and even could have to try to make it better. I may have been foolish at times, but my heart was in the right place. I also realized the reason I kept going back to him was for my safety of my children. I was afraid of them being alone with him and the only way I felt they were safe was if I was there to protect them. I finally got all of us away from him for good but it was after I had one of the kids therapist who was going to testify in court for me and so he suggested that we have a court order that gave the decision to the kids on whether they saw or spoke to him at all. In a way it was like rolling dice. I was in the most part confident of what they would choose but there was always a chance I was wrong, but luckily I wasn’t. Besides an occasionally conversation or a short short visit, they have chosen to stay away from him. Once I put that behind me I then started to think about what “limitations” the doctors had given me and how they said to take it easy even if I was having a day where I felt really good. Over and over I was told not to overdo it. That just seemed so ridiculous to me. Why should I take the days that I feel really good and not take advantage of those days. So I changed that. I did as much as I could, when I could and I far surpassed what I should have been able to do. From that point on I decided I would not waste my good days on doing barely anything . I take full advantage of those days and even though I sometimes have to pay in pain for several days afterwards, it showed me how much I was accomplishing and doing and that’s something I should be proud of. I easily could have had an excuse to not do much at all, but while some able-bodied persons were making up any and all excuses to just sit around, I wasn’t. I was making the most of everything. Even though it can be time-consuming and difficult, I feel this is one step that can’t be taken out.
- “Stop listening to that negative voice in your head that tries to convince you that you can’t do something.” Even today I struggle with that voice, but when I catch myself putting myself down, I then will scold myself for thinking that way again. May sound a little crazy. Some of you might be saying “This woman talks to herself and even scolds herself,” but if I didn’ I easily could have had an excuse to not do much at all, but while some able-bodied persons were making up any and all excuses to just sit around, I wasn’t. I was making the most of everything. Even though it can be time-consuming and difficult, I feel this is one step that can’t be taken out.t, who would. Oh…I’m sure there are many controlling people out there that would like to take over, but….no thank you. It has to come from me or I won’t be able to do anything at all. I have to be the one in control of my destiny!
- Find and memorize bible verses or “quotes” that mean something to you. The ones I like to use are: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” and “With God all things are possible.” When one thing after another goes wrong I will quote Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.” I have pictures and anything else I can find with those verses on them all around my house and usually where ever I go. I also make sure I tell myself “I can do it.” If I think in a negative way, I won’t be able to do anything I try to do.
- Realize that you will have bad days. I don’t have any misconceptions that every day will go the way I want it to go. If you are then you’re creating expectations for yourself that you can never fulfill. Be reasonable and set goals that are attainable and if you don’t succeed at all your goals, forgive yourself, move on and reevaluate what you can do.
I won’t claim to be an expert on this subject, I can only speak to what has worked for me. I can say that there’s no human being that is perfect and to try to reach perfection is ridiculous and puts you on a road that will lead to your downfall. I will admit that this feeling of happiness can be overwhelming at times and hard to believe I finally feel this way, but I do. I know this is real and it’s because I made it happen. Happiness is a reality but you have to really want it and clear about what the meaning of happiness really is.
Happiness is a state of well-being and contentment : joy and/or a pleasurable or satisfying experience. Happiness is also what you and only you make it to be.
I don’t know if this will help anyone else, but because of how I feel that we go through things so we can understand others and be there to help them when they are going through something similar, I need to share what has worked for me. I have also felt for the longest time that there’s something that the Lord wants me to do to help others and that there are greater things to come that I’m suppose to do someday. I’ve felt this way for a very long time and I even though I do feel that it is yet to come, who knows? Maybe even this blog has something to do with his plan for me. Whatever it is, if I’m not ready when I finally realize that here, it will be o.k. and I will get done whatever it is He has chosen for me to do.
Thank you Lord Jesus for everything you’ve done for me. I may not have always appreciated it at the time and there were times I only saw the negative side of things, but you Lord Jesus have opened my eyes to so much. You have given me understanding that I would have never had if I hadn’t ever suffered and that is such a wonderful gift you have given to me. Again, THANK YOU LORD JESUS FOR EVERYTHING!