A video I made for anyone who has experienced domestic violence
I use to let so much get me down and I have also been though so many bouts of severe depression. It felt like the past continually overshadowed everything I would try to do and I felt that my past would always define me. Not because how hard it had been for me. That had absolutely no bearing on anything. It was only because I had let the past get in the way of everything I would try to do to make things better. I would let it decide who, what, where, when and that made it impossible to feel anything but defeat.
I can’t say exactly what changed everything and even when. When I look back on the change in my attitude it feels like it was something sudden, but realistically it was a process that happened over time. I believe the first change I made was to stop focusing so much on my health. I’m by no means saying a person shouldn’t focus on their health at all, but you can’t spend every waking hour doing such thing. You should only spend the amount that is really required on that. There was also so many other things I did to get me over that hump that I lived at for so long. I have started a list of those things and here the ones of I thought of so far:
I won’t claim to be an expert on this subject, I can only speak to what has worked for me. I can say that there’s no human being that is perfect and to try to reach perfection is ridiculous and puts you on a road that will lead to your downfall. I will admit that this feeling of happiness can be overwhelming at times and hard to believe I finally feel this way, but I do. I know this is real and it’s because I made it happen. Happiness is a reality but you have to really want it and clear about what the meaning of happiness really is.
Happiness is a state of well-being and contentment : joy and/or a pleasurable or satisfying experience. Happiness is also what you and only you make it to be.
I don’t know if this will help anyone else, but because of how I feel that we go through things so we can understand others and be there to help them when they are going through something similar, I need to share what has worked for me. I have also felt for the longest time that there’s something that the Lord wants me to do to help others and that there are greater things to come that I’m suppose to do someday. I’ve felt this way for a very long time and I even though I do feel that it is yet to come, who knows? Maybe even this blog has something to do with his plan for me. Whatever it is, if I’m not ready when I finally realize that here, it will be o.k. and I will get done whatever it is He has chosen for me to do.
Thank you Lord Jesus for everything you’ve done for me. I may not have always appreciated it at the time and there were times I only saw the negative side of things, but you Lord Jesus have opened my eyes to so much. You have given me understanding that I would have never had if I hadn’t ever suffered and that is such a wonderful gift you have given to me. Again, THANK YOU LORD JESUS FOR EVERYTHING!
A video I made for anyone who has experienced domestic violence
In the past I will admit that I made some very horrible choices. Choices that to this day still have very negative repercussion. Would I make the same choices today? Probably not. Do I regret making those choices?
How could I look back on any choice I’ve made in the past with regret when I fully know that each of those choices led me to where I am and especially who I am today.
One of my favorite Bible verses is Romans 8:28 “And we know that all thing work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” I think the key word in that verse is “ALL”.
Have you ever had something unexpectedly happen that made you late leaving to go somewhere? Then as your finally on the road driving to that place you see an auto accident that happened moments before and think “Wow, that could of been me.” I have several times and I don’t look at that “unexpected thing” happening as just a coincidence. I see it as God working in my life to protect me. But it’s not just the good things that happen where God’s working in our lives. It’s all the bad too. My ex-husband was abusive in almost every way possible. I can’t look back on that and wish I hadn’t gone through that. You may ask “Why?” The reason is so simple; I wouldn’t have one of my kids if I hadn’t. How can I regret that. I also wouldn’t be able to understand others who are in the same type of relationships. One thing I would like to do in the future is help others in domestic violence relationship but how can I help them if I don’t understand them.
Bad things will happen in life, but it’s how we use those bad things in the future that counts. I know I’m going to go through many more hurts in life. At that time I will may wish it wouldn’t have happened, but as long as I take something from it and use it, then I have to believe I’m being called according to His purpose.
God…..Please help me, please tell me what it is you want me to be doing!
I have a feeling that the answer is right in front of my eyes but fear is standing in the way of me seeing what it is. What fear could I possibly have. Oh……gosh there are so many. The biggest one is the fear of not doing the right thing. More than anything else I want to do the right thing. Actually, when I do the wrong thing by mistake, I beat myself up for it. My kids tease me about how I get angry with myself while going through an intersection and I don’t get through it before the light turns red. I don’t why I’m so hard on myself but I think I need to be. No one can be responsible for any choice I make but me. So if I don’t discipline myself, and I do something wrong, the consequences could be dire. I’d rather correct any wrong I’m doing so it never goes that far.
So how am I suppose to find the path I’m suppose to be on when I can’t get past the fear of failing. I don’t know what to do. I also think about how some say that you need to have your own house in order before you can help others. My house is definitely not in order and it’s not from a lack of trying, more from guilt I use have about the past and letting myself be treated more like a doormat than anything else. I’ve changed a lot, but just because I changed doesn’t mean everyone has to. But where do you draw the line? I think I need an answer to that and so much more before I finally realize my full potential.
I’m a mom. I’m a Christian. Which is more important to me? Some may not agree with what I’m going to say, but I feel being a Christian is more important than anything else. Still……how am I suppose to separate myself from the responsibility of being a mom? That’s something I’m really struggling with now.
In a perfect world, I would have total control of my household. My kids would be on the same page as I am and would understand my desires completely. We don’t live in a perfect world though and if we did I don’t believe I would be where I am today spiritually. I feel God had me go through difficult times to give me understanding I couldn’t possibly have without going through everything I did. I shutter at the thought of who I would be if I things didn’t go the way they did.
Some would say “I’m off my rocker” by saying I’m glad I’ve gone through everything I have. Let’s see…..Epilepsy, eating disorder, suicide attempts, domestic violence/abuse, auto accident that contributed to becoming disabled and many other health issues, ongoing financial issues, etc…but I wouldn’t trade any of thing for something good. I wouldn’t be me then and finally, for once in my life, I’m glad I’m me.
I’m going to continue to search for the path the Lord wants me to be on and when I do it will be because the Lord said “it’s time,” not before. I believe his plan for me is going the way it is supposed to be and I’m questioning this so much so I can find that path. All I need to do is put all my trust in the Lord.
“But desire the greater gifts. And I will show you an even better way.” 1 Corinthians 12:31
In my last post I spoke about how much I want for my kids and I meant every word I said, but I’m feeling very conflicted . It has to do with the fact that I’m always taking care of others and I’ve put myself on the back burner for so long that I don’t know how to change it. The thing is I’m feeling very good about who I’ve become these days and I don’t want that to change but I can’t ever seem to win when it comes to getting others to understand I need their help too and when I try to help in some way, it’s so misunderstood and don’t just don’t understand why.
Let me try to give you an example of what I’m talking about.
One of my kids has their drivers permit and in the beginning I knew I wasn’t the person to teach them to drive. Not because I didn’t want to, it has to do with I’m afraid something could happen to them when their on the road and although I have found that I have so much strength that I never thought I could eve r have…..if something happened to one of them I don’t know if I could handle that. I even expressed to my child how I felt, after all it was a car accident that changed my life and put me on disability. I wouldn’t change what happened to me, but I still don’t want any my kids to go through what I had to. I’d rather them never have to feel any pain.
Anyway, my dad was the one who stepped up and gave driving lessons and now it’s about time to take the drivers test. The past couple of week s I’ve let my child drive with me, but the moment I try to give any advice about something that I felt could get in the way of obtaining that license, I was supposedly pressuring and insulting my child. It’s any advice or help I try to give, “things are different now….,” is the usual excuse!
One thing I need to mention is that I was still with their dad and my abusive ex husband up until 6 years ago. I left him several times due to domestic violence but would go back to him mainly so I could keep the kids safe. They were so young and he was starting to take his temper out on them at times and the only way I could protect them was by being there too. Then when he had tried to kick my dog and instead ended up kicking me where I went flying in the air across the room I got us away from him again. The difference was the kids were now older and very verbal about how afraid they were of him to a counselor. That counselor was going to testify to that in court so they would be protected too so his attorney told him it was possible her could lose any custody rights and so my ex offered to agree to a Court order that stated the kids would be able to decide for themselves when and if they wanted to see him. He was sure they would want to, but that wasn’t the choice any of them made and to this date the only one who has gone to visit him is my oldest daughter who is now an adult, but I never just by herself and never overnight. Usually no more than an hour or two and only a few times.
The reason I mentioned that is because of the guilt I felt for them having to go through that and they knew that and used the guilt I felt to get away with some things. I went from taking care of everything for my ex to taking care of everything thing for my kids and I lost myself on the way. I didn’t make them do any chores even though I was the one on disability. Although they know I’m getting worse I still can’t get the help I need and a lot of that is my fault, but not all of it.
There’s still so much to this story, but I’m really tired now so I will try to write more on it next time. I also appreciate just knowing I can’t come here and talk about what I’m feeling. It’s been holed up inside for so long and having a way to get some of the hurt out…..so necessary.
Thank you again for listening.
Just saying that makes me feel like a little kid again, at least temporarily, but unfortunately it all center around being an adult. An adult who has responsibilities, who has others she provides for and who has many relying on her all the while not having anyone she really can rely on.
CAN’T I PLEASE JUST BE A KID AGAIN?
I’d give anything to go back to those days when all I worried about is what fun I was going to have that day, but those days are gone and although I’d love to not have so many worries, I still wouldn’t give up the people in my life just so I could.
As the 2012 Holiday season begins, I’m finding myself deep in thought about so many things. For one, the past few years my holiday spirit for the most part had gone “POOF” . It seemed Christmas was mainly about money and since that is something I pretty much lack, I guess I just gave up. I don’t want that this year. I want to go back to where I would go over the top decorating the house. I don’t think I have even put my Christmas tree up for the last two years and not only due to financial reasons, but physical ones too. I gave up on myself and didn’t even try…….NOT THIS YEAR! This year I’m going to go so over the top it will take a while for anyone to track me down.
So I named this post of mine “What I want for Christmas” and really it’s not really about what I want for Christmas but what I want for others. First of all, for once I would like to say to my kids “No problem, we can get that.”
I’d also like to get my oldest son something he’s been saying he’s wanted for some time now. He knows what that is and it’s not something frivolous, but it definitely is not something I could afford. Cheapest is around $400.00. My youngest daughter would like things for her room and clothes that aren’t from Goodwill and my youngest son needs a computer that doesn’t constantly freeze on him. My oldest daughter is getting married and there’s many things she’s going to need and I would just like to enjoy going into a store again. That is something that’s hard to do when you can’t afford to buy Christmas presents for the ones you love.
Somehow I’m going to make sure that this is a good X-mas. Would be nice if my ex would cough up a bit of the almost $100,000 he owes me for back child support, but I’ve given up on thinking that will ever happen. One thing I can say is even though I’m living on disability, I have supported my kids and we may not have the best of everything, but we have survived so far and have even thrived in many ways. He couldn’t say that. It’s called being a parent something he never has understood.
Probably will be posting more on both of these subjects, but that’s it for now. Hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving! God Bless!