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WHAT I’VE REALIZED

Since November I’ve had constant numbness in the bottom of my right foot. Then a few months ago I noticed numbness in the middle of my left foot going from my toe down to my heel and eventually the entire bottom of my left foot has also become constantly numb. A few weeks ago I finally saw a neurologist and Monday I’m scheduled to have an EMG.

Today as I was thinking about the test I started having a panic attack. Not because I’m afraid of the pain or what the test may show, I can deal with that. What I’m afraid of is once again getting told I have something that can’t either be explained or fixed (i.e. Fibromyalgia, CFS, etc.).

That got me thinking about what I’ve already been through, especially when I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
Being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia was very hard for me to accept. For one, at that time I had never heard of it and even worse some medical professional labeled it a “made up disease” or called it a “mental” disorder, but

I KNEW MY PAIN WAS REAL……
I KNEW MY PAIN WAS NOT SOMETHING I WAS IMAGINING

So at first I dismissed it and thought “they probably just haven’t figured out the real cause of my pain.” Even as time went by and I would have other symptoms I would be told that it’s part of the fibromyalgia or even worse; being diagnosed with something else like CF(Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), I still didn’t believe it. For one thing:

HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO BELIEVE I HAVE SOMETHING THAT SOME DOCTORS STILL QUESTION?

Then I started researching it more and the more I research it the more I finally understood and even believed that actually was what I had. I was so happy. Not because I had Fibromyalgia and CFS, but that I finally could put a name to what was going on with me. I was on cloud nine, but right as I thought everything would be easy to explain to now, I was hit with a whammy that was even worse.

What could be worse than some doctors as well as myself questioning what I had?

Others questioning it too, especially those who were supposed to be the closest to me. And I know it shouldn’t matter what others thought, but in reality

IT DID….IT REALLY, REALLY DID!
And even to this day, shamefully
IT STILL DOES 😦

Lately, I think I have new and even a better attitude about it, especially since the past year has brought new and more alarming symptoms. I’ve realized that I can’t worry as much about what others think and if they don’t believe me, well…… then they don’t need to be part of my life. Just like the doctors can’t do anything to fix my pain, I also can’t fix another persons stupidity, so if they want to call it a made up disease…. I will speak my mind and it might even hurt my feelings a bit but more than anything…… I will really pity their ignorance.

Most importantly though is what I have learned and what I do know about myself and that is how strong I really am. Living with chronic pain is not easy, but even so I get up and do the most I can when I can. Sometimes I do more in one day than a healthy person does in one week. I can’t choose what days those are, but when I have a good day I do take advantage of that and for that reason

I AM PROUD OF MYSELF!

Anyway, Monday will be here before I know it and I could leave the doctor’s office that day with either some answers or more questions. Either way, I will get through it. I think I’ve proven that.

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