Category Archives: Uncategorized

A TRIBUTE TO MY MOM AND DAD

MOM AND DAD

It’s funny how much things have changed since I was a little child. It makes me think about the difference in how we perceive things changes too. In a way it’s like being temporarilly blind, especially when it comes to our parents.

Growing up I remember feeling as though my parents did not understand me. Especially with my mom, we clashed with one another on a regular basis. I felt as though she didn’t like me and I always longed for her approval. When I didn’t feel as though she gave or would ever give that to me, I reacted. Not a good reaction, nope…… not at all. In fact I rebelled and became very defiant. I’d take off, talk back, used obsentities and anything and everything else I could do to upset her. At that time I felt I had a right to do so, she didn’t care about me and it hurt so I was going to get back at her. Boy how things have changed.

Lately our relationship has improved tremendously. For the first time I actually think she sees me for who I am and not the way I always thought she did; a mistake. That’s right. I always thought she viewed me as a mistake, but thankfully my perception of that has changed. She loves me and wants the best for me and her and my dad just wanted to protect me.

When we are young our parents are the ones who we look up to and as we age we become more independent. We feel like we know what’s best for us and sometimes that gets us in trouble. Now I see that when my parents tried to keep me from doing something I wanted to do, it wasn’t to hurt me, but to help me. At the same time though, I realize I had to learn the lessons of life on my own. Actually learning the hard way is sometimes the best way.

These days I look at my family as being my greatest asset. The blinders have come off and I see my mom much differently now. She is the smartest woman I’ve ever known. She’s dependable, organized, caring and altogether such wonderful human being. My dad also is the greatest. He’s very caring, has the best sense of humor and just a teddy bear. They’ve taught me so much about life and the value of those in it and I couldn’t have asked for better teachers.

I’m luckiest girl in this entire world.

Thank you mom and dad.

 

BEATING A DEAD HORSE – ONE IDIOM TO CONSIDER

GOT A LOT OF NERVE....LITERALLY!

idiom

I think most people have heard of this common idiom; if you haven’t here’s a link that will explain it to you:  http://www.knowyourphrase.com/phrase-meanings/Beating-a-Dead-Horse.html. 
I have always loved using idioms.  For myself, an idiom has been a special way of expressing something I’m feeling and at times the best way of explaining a situation in more visual way.   For example “the early bird gets the worm.”  It explains that you can easily get ahead  by being punctual and dependable.  Another one I really like is “It takes two to tango,” meaning  both people involved in a bad situation are responsible for it.
So today I came across a situation that I had once pursued but quickly gave up on.  That is when I started thinking about the idiom “beating a dead horse.”  It sound like a terrible thing to think of, but when you consider what it…

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PAINFUL FACTS AND HOW WRITING ON A WHIM HELPS ME

Normally I proofread anything I write, but .this wasn’t easy to write and would be harder to read through.true to myselrf  Hopefully the mistakes are few.

Lately  I’ve been extremely busy playing catch up (ya right, honestly it’s more like get one thing done only to add two more to do) and so  I haven’t had mu ch time to spend on my blog,  so when I felt the need to express myself it’s  been mainly on Facebook.   With Facebook I don’t have to spend a lot of time in thought on what I want to say.  Usually I post  what’s on my mind right at that very moment.  When something unexpected happens that I want to share,  there’s my friends on Facebook that I can share my news with at a click of a button.   By letting my feelings out when they’re still raw and new  keeps them from being bottled up which has been incredibly …… FREEING, as well as HEALING.  I feel when I admit what I feel I also accept who I am and start to process what is necessary to change whatever needs to be changed.    With that being said, I want to point out another thing I really like about Facebook…… Seeing that someone commented on a post.   Even it’s something as simple as WTG or :); to me it has brought me to where I am now, what this post is really about and I wish it wasn’t true.  It is though and it something I for me I need to change and I can’t do that without  confronting this problem, but here it goes…

OPENING THAT DEEP INFECTED  WOUND NOW

                                          TEARING OFF ALL  THOSE BANDAGES THAT HAS COVERED IT UP FOR THIS LONG

THAT FACT IS………………..A

I FAILED…. FAILED IN MANY WAYS…. AS A DAUGHTER, AS A SISTER, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY AS A PARENT.  SOMEONE SAYING THAT I DIDN’T WON’T HELP AT ALL BECAUSE KNOW IT’S TRUE  AND I CAN’T GO BACK AND CHANGE THAT FACT AND THE TRUTH IS I WOULDN’T EITHER.  AS MUCH AS I WISH I HAD NOT MADE THE MISTAKES I HAVE, I ALSO BELIEVE THAT WITHOUT THOSE MISTAKES I WOULDN’T BE THE PERSON I AM TODAY………….

I WOULDN’T BE ME AND I HONESTLY LIKE WHO I’M BECOMING

So now I need to make the biggest change yet.

Changing how I let others treat me.  I’m tired of knowing that my opinion doesn’t matter that much to those around me.

It hurts to admit this but it’s very clear that I’m not valued by those I should be.    These are one that time after time again I’ve bent over backwards for and they now expect me to continue to do that.  I’m not appreciated even when they tell me I am, but their action speak volumes and honestly I think I’ve let out all I can for now.  It’s just too painful.  I just want to be given the love I give to others, but I don’t have and if I don’t deal with this, I never will.

Before I go, I’m going to share something I wrote and posted on Facebook.

IN MY OPINION – WHAT I HAVE BEEN PONDERING IN THOUGHT LATELY (JUST ANOTHER STEP IN THE QUEST TO BETTER MYSELF)

I think I’ve always been a kid at heart, even as a kid I was always trying to make other kids happy. I love going to amusement parks, bowling, etc….. and just having lots of fun. If the day ended with laughter then my heart smiled.

Even though I don’t want to lose that heart of mine, I also feel I need to take a step back from always being the parent that takes kids everywehere. I want to see if there are other adults out there who are more like me (I know there is somewhere) and who believes in 50/50 relationship,s as the saying goes “I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine.” Unfortunately, this world has mostly become a “ME, ME, ME and FORGET YOU world and I don’t want those type of relationships anymore. What example do I set if I’m ok with everything being one-sided. I think I deserve happiness, but I think my happiness is viewed as what’s least important.

Kids eventually grow up (as they should) and I feel as kids get older and have been hurt by life most end up conforming to how most of the world lives and from my view it’s usually a “I’m going to hurt you before you can hurt me” attitude and that also SUCKS.

I WAS TAUGHT TREAT OTHERS AS YOU YOURSELF WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED AND I WON’T STOP LIVING THAT WAY AND I KNOW THERE WILL BE TIMES I SLIP AND NOT DO THE RIGHT THING BUT HOPEFULLY I WILL REALIZE IT AND APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY I ACTED. ADMITTING YOUR FAULTS IS A PART OF GROWING THAT IS ESSENTIAL IN THIS QUEST I’M ON. I DON’T WANT TO TRY TO BE PERFECT, ONLY IS GOD IS PERFECT AND I DON’T THINK I COULD LIKE MYSELF MUCH IF I WAS LIVING DISHONESTLY AND NOT BEING MYSELF. I ALSO FEEL T A HO HAT A PERSON THAT CAN ADMIT WHEN THEIR WRONG IS A PERSON WHO ACCEPTS THEMSELVES AND OTHERS JUST FOR WHO THEY ARE!

I hope my random thoughts are not bothersome to others. I can’t hold those feelings in anymore and part of healing of my heart is to open the bottled up ones as well as not bottling my feelings up anymore. I have to be true to myself and just be “ME!”
and as much as I hate to lose any of my friends here I wouldn’t want someone to stay who feels annoyed by me.   I won’t delete anyone without good reason, so if I do annoy you by sharing my feelings, for the best of both of us, please delete me.

GOT A LOT OF NERVE....LITERALLY!

ARCHITECT OF FUTUREI use to let so much get me down and I have also been though so many bouts of severe depression.  It felt like the past continually overshadowed everything I would try to do and I felt that my past would always define me.   Not because how hard it had been for me.  That had absolutely no bearing on anything.  It was only because I had let the past get in the way of everything I would try to do to make things better.   I would let it decide who, what, where, when  and that made it impossible to feel anything but defeat.

NOT ANYMORE!

I can’t say exactly what changed everything and even when.  When I look back on the change in my attitude it feels like it was something sudden, but realistically it was a process that happened over time.  I believe the first change I…

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DOWN AND OUT NO MORE-HOW JESUS HELPED ME FINALLY OVERCOME DEPRESSION

ARCHITECT OF FUTUREI use to let so much get me down and I have also been though so many bouts of severe depression.  It felt like the past continually overshadowed everything I would try to do and I felt that my past would always define me.   Not because how hard it had been for me.  That had absolutely no bearing on anything.  It was only because I had let the past get in the way of everything I would try to do to make things better.   I would let it decide who, what, where, when  and that made it impossible to feel anything but defeat.

NOT ANYMORE!

I can’t say exactly what changed everything and even when.  When I look back on the change in my attitude it feels like it was something sudden, but realistically it was a process that happened over time.  I believe the first change I made was to stop focusing so much on my health.  I’m by no means saying a person shouldn’t focus on their health at all, but you can’t spend every waking hour doing such thing.  You should only spend the amount that is really required on that.  There was also so many other things I did to get me over that hump that I lived at for so long.  I have started a list of those things and here the ones of I thought of so far:

  1. As I  stated before “don’t focus too much on your health.”  For the longest time my poor health was what defined me.  I convinced myself that the reason for that was so I could find someway to get better.  The fact is I had let it consume me.  When I finally let go of that and started to focus on what I could do and not what I couldn’t, it was beginning of finally turning my life around.
  2. “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”  Things will go wrong in life, go through it the best you can, deal with it,  learn from it and move on!
  3. “Get rid of the negative influences in life.”  That was such an important thing to do.  I realized that being around others who complained all the time was really getting me down.  I then told everyone that I don’t want to hear negativity all the time, I wanted to surround myself with positive things.  That didn’t mean I stopped listening to others, nope not at all.  I listened, gave my opinion or advice as well as spoke to them about the positives to their dilemma and sometimes about how they need to try to let go of their negativity (didn’t always go over as well as I had hoped, but I tried to help and that’s all I could do.  I couldn’t fix everything for them).
  4. Start realizing you have a lot to be proud of!  As long as you are doing the best you can, what is there to regret?”  I use to have a really hard time with that one.  After all, I spent the past 44 years putting myself down, how was I suppose to see good in myself all of a sudden?  Well, first I looked at my situation.  I’m a disabled single parent of 4 kids who had previously been in a domestic violence relationship whose having a tough time affording everything.  Even so, I am still making it, barely but my family had everything it NEEDS.  I then realized I had to let go of the guilt  I was feeling due to my kids having a father who primarily was abusive to me, but beginning to be that way with them.  I realized that I did everything I should have and even could have to try to make it better.  I may have been foolish at times, but my heart was in the right place.  I also realized the reason I kept going back to him was for my safety of my children.  I was afraid of them being alone with him and the only way I felt they were safe was if I was there to protect them.  I finally got all of us away from him for good but it was after I had one of the kids therapist who was going to testify in court for me and so he suggested that we have a court order that gave the decision to the kids on whether they saw or spoke to him at all.  In a way it was like rolling dice.  I was in the most part confident of what they would choose but there was always a chance I was wrong, but luckily I wasn’t.  Besides an occasionally conversation or a short short visit, they have chosen to stay away from him.  Once I put that behind me I then started to think about what “limitations” the doctors had given me and how they said to take it easy even if I was having a day where I felt really good.   Over and over I was told not to  overdo it.  That just seemed so ridiculous to me.  Why should I take the days that I feel really good and not take advantage of those days.  So I changed that.  I did as much as I could, when I could and I far surpassed what I should have been able to do.  From that point on I decided I would not waste my good days on doing barely anything .  I take full advantage of those days and even though I sometimes have to pay in pain for several days afterwards,  it showed me how much I was accomplishing and doing and that’s something I should be proud of.   I easily could have had an excuse to not do much at all, but while some able-bodied persons were making up any and all excuses to just sit around, I wasn’t.  I was making the most of everything.  Even though it can be time-consuming and difficult, I feel this is one step that can’t be taken out.
  5. “Stop listening to that negative voice in your head that tries to convince you that you can’t do something.”  Even today I struggle with that voice, but when I catch myself putting myself down, I then will scold myself for thinking that way again.  May sound a little crazy.   Some of you might be saying “This woman talks to herself and even scolds herself,” but if I didn’ I easily could have had an excuse to not do much at all, but while some able-bodied persons were making up any and all excuses to just sit around, I wasn’t.  I was making the most of everything.  Even though it can be time-consuming and difficult, I feel this is one step that can’t be taken out.t, who would. Oh…I’m sure there are many controlling people out there that would like to take over, but….no thank you.  It has to come from me or I won’t be able to do anything at all.  I have to be the one in control of my destiny!
  6. Find and memorize bible verses or “quotes” that mean something to you.  The ones I like to use are:   “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” and “With God all things are possible.”  When one thing after another goes wrong I will quote Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.”  I have pictures and anything else I can find with those verses on them all around my house and usually where ever I go.  I also make sure I tell myself “I can do it.”  If I think in a negative way,  I won’t be able to do anything I try to do.
  7. Realize that you will have bad days.  I don’t have any misconceptions that every day will go the way I want it to go.   If you are then you’re creating expectations for yourself that you can never fulfill.  Be reasonable and set goals that are attainable and if you don’t succeed at all your goals, forgive yourself, move on and reevaluate what you can do.

I won’t claim to be an expert on this subject, I can only speak to what has worked for me.  I can say that there’s no human being that is perfect and to try to reach perfection is ridiculous and puts you on a road that will lead to your downfall.   I will admit that this feeling of happiness can be overwhelming at times and hard to believe I finally feel this way, but I do.  I know this is real and it’s because I made it happen.   Happiness is a reality but you have to really want it and clear about what the meaning of happiness really is.

 Happiness is a state of well-being and contentment : joy and/or a pleasurable or satisfying experience.  Happiness is also what you and only you make it to be.

CHANGE

I don’t know if this will help anyone else, but because of how I feel that we go through things so we can understand others and be there to help them when they are going through something similar, I need to share what has worked for me.  I have also felt for the longest time that there’s something that the Lord wants me to do to help others and that there are greater things to come that I’m suppose to do someday.  I’ve felt this way for a very long time and I even though I do feel that it is yet to come, who knows?  Maybe even this blog has something to do with his plan for me.  Whatever it is, if I’m not ready when I finally realize that here, it will be o.k. and I will get done whatever it is He has chosen for me to do.

everything possibleThank you Lord Jesus for everything you’ve done for me.  I may not have always appreciated it at the time and there were times I only saw the negative side of things, but you Lord Jesus have opened my eyes to so much.  You have given me understanding that I would have never had if I hadn’t ever suffered and that is such a wonderful gift you have given to me.  Again, THANK YOU LORD JESUS FOR EVERYTHING!

 

New Beautiful

A video I made for anyone who has experienced domestic violence

 

UPDATED “ABOUT” PAGE

confidentI just updated my “home” page and wasn’t sure if anyone would be informed about the changes.

I hope everyone finds it to be something they enjoy.

NO REGRETS

BLESSINGS IN DISGUISEIn the past I will admit that I made some very horrible choices. Choices that to this day still have very negative repercussion. Would I make the same choices today? Probably not. Do I regret making those choices?

Absolutely NOT!

How could I look back on any choice I’ve made in the past with regret when I fully know that each of those choices led me to where I am and especially who I am today.

One of my favorite Bible verses is Romans 8:28 “And we know that all thing work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” I think the key word in that verse is “ALL”.

Have you ever had something unexpectedly happen that made you late leaving to go somewhere? Then as your finally on the road driving to that place you see an auto accident that happened moments before and think “Wow, that could of been me.”  I have several times and I don’t look at that “unexpected thing” happening as just a coincidence. I see it as God working in my life to protect me. But it’s not just the good things that happen where God’s working in our lives. It’s all the bad too. My ex-husband was abusive in almost every way possible. I can’t look back on that and wish I hadn’t gone through that. You may ask “Why?” The reason is so simple; I wouldn’t have one of my kids if I hadn’t. How can I regret that. I also wouldn’t be able to understand others who are in the same type of relationships. One thing I would like to do in the future is help others in domestic violence relationship but how can I help them if I don’t understand them.

Bad things will happen in life, but it’s how we use those bad things in the future that counts. I know I’m going to go through many more hurts in life. At that time I will may wish it wouldn’t have happened, but as long as I take something from it and use it, then I have to believe I’m being called according to His purpose.

TRYING TO HEAL THE HEART

a lil rainThis morning  I realized how much hurt I had let get buried deep inside myself.  To be honest I don’t have anyone in my life that I feel comfortable opening up  to and I know that is no ones fault but my own.

I was the one who let myself shut down.

I started building walls all around me.  At that time, I don’t believe I realized what I was doing, but I can understand why I did that.  I was hurt deeply by the people I was supposed to be able to trust the most.  Somehow I had to find a way to survive especially for my kids.  They needed a parent to take care of them that they didn’t have to fear.  I had to do anything I could to  protect my heart.   It was, after all,  already severely broken and I didn’t feel that it would be able to take much more.  So what did I do?   I started to avoid people, even those I loved.  I was still friendly to anyone and everyone I’d come across, but I always kept them at arm’s length so they couldn’t get close to me.  Then I stopped going places that I had once enjoyed but the worse was when I started going out of the house only when I absolutely had to.   I had become a hermit and the only one who could fix it was me.

I feel there is only one way I am going to ever truly heal.   First I need to knock down all the walls I had built so high.  Once done, I need to open up some of the old wound so I can let them drain and heal properly.  The only way I think I can successfully do that is if I start opening up about the past, write about my experiences, how they made me feel and any lesson that I learned from them.  I need to learn to stop always being the caretaker and realize it’s okay to let others  take care of  me.   I think that will end up being the hardest part, but I know that it’s something I have to learn to do and the sooner the better.

To start the healing process I need to try to train myself to take the time to post updates on this blog .  I’m not quite sure where I’m going to start, but using an “In the beginning” format probably wouldn’t work for me, it’s going to be what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it.

I just want to say thank you to anyone who is reading this now and/or any future updates I post.  Just knowing someone took that time to hear me out makes a world of a difference.

 

SOMETIMES IT HURTS LOVING SOMEONE SO SO MUCH

In my last post I spoke about how much I want for my kids and I meant every word I said, but I’m feeling very conflicted .  It has to do with the fact that I’m always taking care of others and I’ve put myself on the  back burner for so long that I don’t know how to change it.  The thing is I’m feeling very good about who I’ve become these days and I don’t want that to change but I can’t ever seem to win when it comes to getting others to understand I need their help too and when I try to help in some way, it’s so misunderstood and don’t just don’t understand why.

Let me try to give you an example of what I’m talking about.

One of my kids has their drivers permit and in the beginning I knew I wasn’t the person to teach them to drive.  Not because I didn’t want to, it has to do with I’m afraid something could happen to them when their on the road and although I have found that I have so much strength that I never thought I could eve r have…..if something happened to one of them I don’t know if I could handle that.  I even expressed to my child how I felt, after all it was a car accident that changed my life and put me on disability.  I wouldn’t change what happened to me, but I still don’t want any my kids to go through what I had to.  I’d rather them never have to feel any pain.

Anyway, my dad was the one who stepped up and gave driving lessons and now it’s about time to take the drivers test.  The past couple of week s I’ve let my child drive with me, but the moment I try to give any advice about something that I felt could get in the way of obtaining that license, I was supposedly pressuring and insulting my child.   It’s any advice or help I try to give, “things are different now….,” is the usual excuse!

One thing I need to mention is that I was still with their dad and my abusive ex husband up until 6 years ago.  I left him several times due to domestic violence but would go back to him mainly so I could keep the kids safe.  They were so young and he was starting to take his temper out on them at times and the only way I could protect them was by being there too.  Then when he had tried to kick my dog and instead ended up kicking me where I went flying in the air across the room I got us away from him again.  The difference was the kids were now older and very verbal about how afraid they were of him to a counselor.  That counselor was going to testify to that in court so they would be protected too so his attorney told him it was possible her could lose any custody rights and so my ex offered to agree to a Court order that stated the kids would be able to decide for themselves when and if they wanted to see him.  He was sure they would want to, but that wasn’t the choice any of them made and to this date the only one who has gone to visit him is my oldest daughter who is now an adult, but I never just by herself and never overnight.  Usually no more than an hour or two and only a few times.

The reason I mentioned that is because of the guilt I felt for them having to go through that and they knew that and used the guilt I felt to get away with some things.  I went from taking care of everything for my ex to taking care of everything thing for my kids and I lost myself on the way.  I didn’t make them do any chores even though I was the one on disability.  Although they know I’m getting worse I still can’t get the help I need and a lot of that is my fault, but not all of it.

There’s still so much to this story, but I’m really tired now so I will try to write more on it next time.  I also appreciate just knowing I can’t come here and talk about what I’m feeling.  It’s been holed up inside for so long and having a way to get some of the hurt out…..so necessary.

Thank you again for listening.

 

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