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a lil rainThis morning  I realized how much hurt I had let get buried deep inside myself.  To be honest I don’t have anyone in my life that I feel comfortable opening up  to and I know that is no ones fault but my own.

I was the one who let myself shut down.

I started building walls all around me.  At that time, I don’t believe I realized what I was doing, but I can understand why I did that.  I was hurt deeply by the people I was supposed to be able to trust the most.  Somehow I had to find a way to survive especially for my kids.  They needed a parent to take care of them that they didn’t have to fear.  I had to do anything I could to  protect my heart.   It was, after all,  already severely broken and I didn’t feel that it would be able to take much more.  So what did I do?   I started to avoid people, even those I loved.  I was still friendly to anyone and everyone I’d come across, but I always kept them at arm’s length so they couldn’t get close to me.  Then I stopped going places that I had once enjoyed but the worse was when I started going out of the house only when I absolutely had to.   I had become a hermit and the only one who could fix it was me.

I feel there is only one way I am going to ever truly heal.   First I need to knock down all the walls I had built so high.  Once done, I need to open up some of the old wound so I can let them drain and heal properly.  The only way I think I can successfully do that is if I start opening up about the past, write about my experiences, how they made me feel and any lesson that I learned from them.  I need to learn to stop always being the caretaker and realize it’s okay to let others  take care of  me.   I think that will end up being the hardest part, but I know that it’s something I have to learn to do and the sooner the better.

To start the healing process I need to try to train myself to take the time to post updates on this blog .  I’m not quite sure where I’m going to start, but using an “In the beginning” format probably wouldn’t work for me, it’s going to be what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it.

I just want to say thank you to anyone who is reading this now and/or any future updates I post.  Just knowing someone took that time to hear me out makes a world of a difference.


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