Monthly Archives: November 2012

TRYING TO HEAL THE HEART

a lil rainThis morning  I realized how much hurt I had let get buried deep inside myself.  To be honest I don’t have anyone in my life that I feel comfortable opening up  to and I know that is no ones fault but my own.

I was the one who let myself shut down.

I started building walls all around me.  At that time, I don’t believe I realized what I was doing, but I can understand why I did that.  I was hurt deeply by the people I was supposed to be able to trust the most.  Somehow I had to find a way to survive especially for my kids.  They needed a parent to take care of them that they didn’t have to fear.  I had to do anything I could to  protect my heart.   It was, after all,  already severely broken and I didn’t feel that it would be able to take much more.  So what did I do?   I started to avoid people, even those I loved.  I was still friendly to anyone and everyone I’d come across, but I always kept them at arm’s length so they couldn’t get close to me.  Then I stopped going places that I had once enjoyed but the worse was when I started going out of the house only when I absolutely had to.   I had become a hermit and the only one who could fix it was me.

I feel there is only one way I am going to ever truly heal.   First I need to knock down all the walls I had built so high.  Once done, I need to open up some of the old wound so I can let them drain and heal properly.  The only way I think I can successfully do that is if I start opening up about the past, write about my experiences, how they made me feel and any lesson that I learned from them.  I need to learn to stop always being the caretaker and realize it’s okay to let others  take care of  me.   I think that will end up being the hardest part, but I know that it’s something I have to learn to do and the sooner the better.

To start the healing process I need to try to train myself to take the time to post updates on this blog .  I’m not quite sure where I’m going to start, but using an “In the beginning” format probably wouldn’t work for me, it’s going to be what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it.

I just want to say thank you to anyone who is reading this now and/or any future updates I post.  Just knowing someone took that time to hear me out makes a world of a difference.

 

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SOMETIMES IT HURTS LOVING SOMEONE SO SO MUCH

In my last post I spoke about how much I want for my kids and I meant every word I said, but I’m feeling very conflicted .  It has to do with the fact that I’m always taking care of others and I’ve put myself on the  back burner for so long that I don’t know how to change it.  The thing is I’m feeling very good about who I’ve become these days and I don’t want that to change but I can’t ever seem to win when it comes to getting others to understand I need their help too and when I try to help in some way, it’s so misunderstood and don’t just don’t understand why.

Let me try to give you an example of what I’m talking about.

One of my kids has their drivers permit and in the beginning I knew I wasn’t the person to teach them to drive.  Not because I didn’t want to, it has to do with I’m afraid something could happen to them when their on the road and although I have found that I have so much strength that I never thought I could eve r have…..if something happened to one of them I don’t know if I could handle that.  I even expressed to my child how I felt, after all it was a car accident that changed my life and put me on disability.  I wouldn’t change what happened to me, but I still don’t want any my kids to go through what I had to.  I’d rather them never have to feel any pain.

Anyway, my dad was the one who stepped up and gave driving lessons and now it’s about time to take the drivers test.  The past couple of week s I’ve let my child drive with me, but the moment I try to give any advice about something that I felt could get in the way of obtaining that license, I was supposedly pressuring and insulting my child.   It’s any advice or help I try to give, “things are different now….,” is the usual excuse!

One thing I need to mention is that I was still with their dad and my abusive ex husband up until 6 years ago.  I left him several times due to domestic violence but would go back to him mainly so I could keep the kids safe.  They were so young and he was starting to take his temper out on them at times and the only way I could protect them was by being there too.  Then when he had tried to kick my dog and instead ended up kicking me where I went flying in the air across the room I got us away from him again.  The difference was the kids were now older and very verbal about how afraid they were of him to a counselor.  That counselor was going to testify to that in court so they would be protected too so his attorney told him it was possible her could lose any custody rights and so my ex offered to agree to a Court order that stated the kids would be able to decide for themselves when and if they wanted to see him.  He was sure they would want to, but that wasn’t the choice any of them made and to this date the only one who has gone to visit him is my oldest daughter who is now an adult, but I never just by herself and never overnight.  Usually no more than an hour or two and only a few times.

The reason I mentioned that is because of the guilt I felt for them having to go through that and they knew that and used the guilt I felt to get away with some things.  I went from taking care of everything for my ex to taking care of everything thing for my kids and I lost myself on the way.  I didn’t make them do any chores even though I was the one on disability.  Although they know I’m getting worse I still can’t get the help I need and a lot of that is my fault, but not all of it.

There’s still so much to this story, but I’m really tired now so I will try to write more on it next time.  I also appreciate just knowing I can’t come here and talk about what I’m feeling.  It’s been holed up inside for so long and having a way to get some of the hurt out…..so necessary.

Thank you again for listening.

 

WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

Just saying that makes me feel like a little kid again, at least temporarily, but unfortunately it all center around being an adult.  An adult who has responsibilities, who has others she provides for and who has many relying on her all the while not having anyone she really can rely on.

CAN’T I PLEASE JUST BE A KID AGAIN?

I’d give anything to go back to those days when all I worried about is what fun I was going to have that day, but those days are gone and although I’d love to not have so many worries, I still wouldn’t give up the people in my life just so I could.

As the 2012 Holiday season begins, I’m finding myself deep in thought about so many things.  For one, the past few years my holiday spirit  for the most part had gone “POOF” .  It seemed Christmas was mainly about money and since that is something I pretty much lack, I guess I just gave up.  I don’t want that this year.  I want to go back to where I would go over the top decorating the house.  I don’t think I have even put my Christmas tree up for the last two years and not only due to financial reasons, but physical ones too.  I gave up on myself and didn’t even try…….NOT THIS YEAR!  This year I’m going to go so over the top it will take a while for anyone to track me down.

So I named this post of mine “What I want for Christmas”  and really it’s not really about what I want for Christmas but what I want for others.  First of all, for once I would like to say to my kids “No problem, we can get that.”

I’d also like to get my oldest son something he’s been saying he’s wanted for some time now.  He knows what that is and it’s not something frivolous, but it definitely is not something I could afford.  Cheapest is around $400.00.  My youngest daughter would like things for her room and clothes that aren’t from Goodwill and my youngest son needs a computer that doesn’t constantly freeze on him.  My oldest daughter is getting married and there’s many things she’s going to need and I would just like to enjoy going into a store again.  That is something that’s hard to do when you can’t afford to buy Christmas presents for the ones you love.

Somehow I’m going to make sure that this is a good X-mas.  Would be nice if my ex would cough up a bit of the almost $100,000 he owes me for back child support, but I’ve given up on thinking that will ever happen.  One thing I can say is even though I’m living on disability, I have supported my kids and we may not have the best of everything, but we have survived so far and have even thrived in many ways.  He couldn’t say that.  It’s called being a parent something he never has understood.

Probably will be posting more on both of these subjects, but that’s it for now.  Hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving!  God Bless!

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