Category Archives: healing

BEATING A DEAD HORSE – ONE IDIOM TO CONSIDER

idiom

I think most people have heard of this common idiom; if you haven’t here’s a link that will explain it to you:  http://www.knowyourphrase.com/phrase-meanings/Beating-a-Dead-Horse.html. 
I have always loved using idioms.  For myself, an idiom has been a special way of expressing something I’m feeling and at times the best way of explaining a situation in more visual way.   For example “the early bird gets the worm.”  It explains that you can easily get ahead  by being punctual and dependable.  Another one I really like is “It takes two to tango,” meaning  both people involved in a bad situation are responsible for it.
So today I came across a situation that I had once pursued but quickly gave up on.  That is when I started thinking about the idiom “beating a dead horse.”  It sound like a terrible thing to think of, but when you consider what it means it does make sense.  It has nothing to do with beating someone or a dead horse or any other animal for that matter.  What I take from this idiom is why try to fix something that can’t be fixed or why keep asking if the answer is always going to be the same  For the most part, I believe it’s true that you shouldn’t keep bringing about an issue that has already been solved or concluded, but that was until I realized how what I was dealing with was really not concluded.   I understand why I assumed it was.  Any health issue I’ve had in the past decade hasn’t come with a cure or the cure for most didn’t work on me.  I was always hearing that I needed to learn to live with it.  Hearing that so much has made it where I stopped pursuing any treatments that  may or may not  help.

Now to explain what happened today I have to start from the beginning.
So, about 5 or more years ago I had seen a doctor about some excessive facial sweating I had experienced.   I would literally be dripping of sweat with barely moving much .  Even in the dead of winter with below freezing temperatures, if I would walking up and down stairs or scrubbing the counter or the bathtub, I would sweat profusely.  At the time I thought maybe I was going through “the change” a little earlier than most or that I had some other medical issue that was causing it.   So I went to see my family doctor and she ordered some blood work to be done on me.   A few days later I received a call from her office and was told my blood work looked good and that they didn’t find anything abnormal.   I know I probably should have pushed for a reason, but I dropped it and haven’t brought it up since then.
I think I can why I chose to handle it that way.   I had already felt as though physically I was somewhat backwards long before that day.  Once when a doctor was doing a test where they would touch the nerves in my back and I had to tell them where I felt it at, I was told that the sensations I was getting on my left side should have been felt on my right side and vice versa.  I had other situations such as that and so it hit me that I was just backwards and far from normal.   I eventually accepted that I’m not normal and even take pride in that at times.
Until recently, I was content with using that reasoning and just dealing with it,  but for the past several years the sweating was getting  worse.  It started affecting where I would go and what I would do when other people would be around.   I knew that I really couldn’t be outside in warm weather without immediately breaking a sweat and it was so obvious of what was happening.  The only way I could hide it is if I was at a lake or by a swimming pool.  It was a much harder situation to explain when it was cold.  If  starting moving around, even in freezing weather, I still would break a sweat.   My hair would get sopping wet and it’s embarrassing.  These days I’d rather sit at home then go anywhere.   I’m tired of feeling that way.  I think that is why I decided to search that symptom on the internet.

WOW……..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE FOUND A REASON FOR WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME…………..

AND THERE’S EVEN A TREATMENT FOR IT TOO!

I just about to “whoop it up.”  (Sorry had to throw that idiom in too: get excited with a party-like feel.)  Seriously though, I felt I couldn’t believe it was really possible to finally get an answer to one of my many health issues and in reality there’s no guarantee I even have.  I will find out soon though.   After I realized there’s a name for what I might have (Hyperhidrosis) and that there’s medication for it I called my neurologist and have an appointment tomorrow.    So wish me luck please, if this can fixed it will make a big difference in my life.

PAINFUL FACTS AND HOW WRITING ON A WHIM HELPS ME

Normally I proofread anything I write, but .this wasn’t easy to write and would be harder to read through.true to myselrf  Hopefully the mistakes are few.

Lately  I’ve been extremely busy playing catch up (ya right, honestly it’s more like get one thing done only to add two more to do) and so  I haven’t had mu ch time to spend on my blog,  so when I felt the need to express myself it’s  been mainly on Facebook.   With Facebook I don’t have to spend a lot of time in thought on what I want to say.  Usually I post  what’s on my mind right at that very moment.  When something unexpected happens that I want to share,  there’s my friends on Facebook that I can share my news with at a click of a button.   By letting my feelings out when they’re still raw and new  keeps them from being bottled up which has been incredibly …… FREEING, as well as HEALING.  I feel when I admit what I feel I also accept who I am and start to process what is necessary to change whatever needs to be changed.    With that being said, I want to point out another thing I really like about Facebook…… Seeing that someone commented on a post.   Even it’s something as simple as WTG or :); to me it has brought me to where I am now, what this post is really about and I wish it wasn’t true.  It is though and it something I for me I need to change and I can’t do that without  confronting this problem, but here it goes…

OPENING THAT DEEP INFECTED  WOUND NOW

                                          TEARING OFF ALL  THOSE BANDAGES THAT HAS COVERED IT UP FOR THIS LONG

THAT FACT IS………………..A

I FAILED…. FAILED IN MANY WAYS…. AS A DAUGHTER, AS A SISTER, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY AS A PARENT.  SOMEONE SAYING THAT I DIDN’T WON’T HELP AT ALL BECAUSE KNOW IT’S TRUE  AND I CAN’T GO BACK AND CHANGE THAT FACT AND THE TRUTH IS I WOULDN’T EITHER.  AS MUCH AS I WISH I HAD NOT MADE THE MISTAKES I HAVE, I ALSO BELIEVE THAT WITHOUT THOSE MISTAKES I WOULDN’T BE THE PERSON I AM TODAY………….

I WOULDN’T BE ME AND I HONESTLY LIKE WHO I’M BECOMING

So now I need to make the biggest change yet.

Changing how I let others treat me.  I’m tired of knowing that my opinion doesn’t matter that much to those around me.

It hurts to admit this but it’s very clear that I’m not valued by those I should be.    These are one that time after time again I’ve bent over backwards for and they now expect me to continue to do that.  I’m not appreciated even when they tell me I am, but their action speak volumes and honestly I think I’ve let out all I can for now.  It’s just too painful.  I just want to be given the love I give to others, but I don’t have and if I don’t deal with this, I never will.

Before I go, I’m going to share something I wrote and posted on Facebook.

IN MY OPINION – WHAT I HAVE BEEN PONDERING IN THOUGHT LATELY (JUST ANOTHER STEP IN THE QUEST TO BETTER MYSELF)

I think I’ve always been a kid at heart, even as a kid I was always trying to make other kids happy. I love going to amusement parks, bowling, etc….. and just having lots of fun. If the day ended with laughter then my heart smiled.

Even though I don’t want to lose that heart of mine, I also feel I need to take a step back from always being the parent that takes kids everywehere. I want to see if there are other adults out there who are more like me (I know there is somewhere) and who believes in 50/50 relationship,s as the saying goes “I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine.” Unfortunately, this world has mostly become a “ME, ME, ME and FORGET YOU world and I don’t want those type of relationships anymore. What example do I set if I’m ok with everything being one-sided. I think I deserve happiness, but I think my happiness is viewed as what’s least important.

Kids eventually grow up (as they should) and I feel as kids get older and have been hurt by life most end up conforming to how most of the world lives and from my view it’s usually a “I’m going to hurt you before you can hurt me” attitude and that also SUCKS.

I WAS TAUGHT TREAT OTHERS AS YOU YOURSELF WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED AND I WON’T STOP LIVING THAT WAY AND I KNOW THERE WILL BE TIMES I SLIP AND NOT DO THE RIGHT THING BUT HOPEFULLY I WILL REALIZE IT AND APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY I ACTED. ADMITTING YOUR FAULTS IS A PART OF GROWING THAT IS ESSENTIAL IN THIS QUEST I’M ON. I DON’T WANT TO TRY TO BE PERFECT, ONLY IS GOD IS PERFECT AND I DON’T THINK I COULD LIKE MYSELF MUCH IF I WAS LIVING DISHONESTLY AND NOT BEING MYSELF. I ALSO FEEL T A HO HAT A PERSON THAT CAN ADMIT WHEN THEIR WRONG IS A PERSON WHO ACCEPTS THEMSELVES AND OTHERS JUST FOR WHO THEY ARE!

I hope my random thoughts are not bothersome to others. I can’t hold those feelings in anymore and part of healing of my heart is to open the bottled up ones as well as not bottling my feelings up anymore. I have to be true to myself and just be “ME!”
and as much as I hate to lose any of my friends here I wouldn’t want someone to stay who feels annoyed by me.   I won’t delete anyone without good reason, so if I do annoy you by sharing my feelings, for the best of both of us, please delete me.

DOWN AND OUT NO MORE-HOW JESUS HELPED ME FINALLY OVERCOME DEPRESSION

ARCHITECT OF FUTUREI use to let so much get me down and I have also been though so many bouts of severe depression.  It felt like the past continually overshadowed everything I would try to do and I felt that my past would always define me.   Not because how hard it had been for me.  That had absolutely no bearing on anything.  It was only because I had let the past get in the way of everything I would try to do to make things better.   I would let it decide who, what, where, when  and that made it impossible to feel anything but defeat.

NOT ANYMORE!

I can’t say exactly what changed everything and even when.  When I look back on the change in my attitude it feels like it was something sudden, but realistically it was a process that happened over time.  I believe the first change I made was to stop focusing so much on my health.  I’m by no means saying a person shouldn’t focus on their health at all, but you can’t spend every waking hour doing such thing.  You should only spend the amount that is really required on that.  There was also so many other things I did to get me over that hump that I lived at for so long.  I have started a list of those things and here the ones of I thought of so far:

  1. As I  stated before “don’t focus too much on your health.”  For the longest time my poor health was what defined me.  I convinced myself that the reason for that was so I could find someway to get better.  The fact is I had let it consume me.  When I finally let go of that and started to focus on what I could do and not what I couldn’t, it was beginning of finally turning my life around.
  2. “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”  Things will go wrong in life, go through it the best you can, deal with it,  learn from it and move on!
  3. “Get rid of the negative influences in life.”  That was such an important thing to do.  I realized that being around others who complained all the time was really getting me down.  I then told everyone that I don’t want to hear negativity all the time, I wanted to surround myself with positive things.  That didn’t mean I stopped listening to others, nope not at all.  I listened, gave my opinion or advice as well as spoke to them about the positives to their dilemma and sometimes about how they need to try to let go of their negativity (didn’t always go over as well as I had hoped, but I tried to help and that’s all I could do.  I couldn’t fix everything for them).
  4. Start realizing you have a lot to be proud of!  As long as you are doing the best you can, what is there to regret?”  I use to have a really hard time with that one.  After all, I spent the past 44 years putting myself down, how was I suppose to see good in myself all of a sudden?  Well, first I looked at my situation.  I’m a disabled single parent of 4 kids who had previously been in a domestic violence relationship whose having a tough time affording everything.  Even so, I am still making it, barely but my family had everything it NEEDS.  I then realized I had to let go of the guilt  I was feeling due to my kids having a father who primarily was abusive to me, but beginning to be that way with them.  I realized that I did everything I should have and even could have to try to make it better.  I may have been foolish at times, but my heart was in the right place.  I also realized the reason I kept going back to him was for my safety of my children.  I was afraid of them being alone with him and the only way I felt they were safe was if I was there to protect them.  I finally got all of us away from him for good but it was after I had one of the kids therapist who was going to testify in court for me and so he suggested that we have a court order that gave the decision to the kids on whether they saw or spoke to him at all.  In a way it was like rolling dice.  I was in the most part confident of what they would choose but there was always a chance I was wrong, but luckily I wasn’t.  Besides an occasionally conversation or a short short visit, they have chosen to stay away from him.  Once I put that behind me I then started to think about what “limitations” the doctors had given me and how they said to take it easy even if I was having a day where I felt really good.   Over and over I was told not to  overdo it.  That just seemed so ridiculous to me.  Why should I take the days that I feel really good and not take advantage of those days.  So I changed that.  I did as much as I could, when I could and I far surpassed what I should have been able to do.  From that point on I decided I would not waste my good days on doing barely anything .  I take full advantage of those days and even though I sometimes have to pay in pain for several days afterwards,  it showed me how much I was accomplishing and doing and that’s something I should be proud of.   I easily could have had an excuse to not do much at all, but while some able-bodied persons were making up any and all excuses to just sit around, I wasn’t.  I was making the most of everything.  Even though it can be time-consuming and difficult, I feel this is one step that can’t be taken out.
  5. “Stop listening to that negative voice in your head that tries to convince you that you can’t do something.”  Even today I struggle with that voice, but when I catch myself putting myself down, I then will scold myself for thinking that way again.  May sound a little crazy.   Some of you might be saying “This woman talks to herself and even scolds herself,” but if I didn’ I easily could have had an excuse to not do much at all, but while some able-bodied persons were making up any and all excuses to just sit around, I wasn’t.  I was making the most of everything.  Even though it can be time-consuming and difficult, I feel this is one step that can’t be taken out.t, who would. Oh…I’m sure there are many controlling people out there that would like to take over, but….no thank you.  It has to come from me or I won’t be able to do anything at all.  I have to be the one in control of my destiny!
  6. Find and memorize bible verses or “quotes” that mean something to you.  The ones I like to use are:   “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” and “With God all things are possible.”  When one thing after another goes wrong I will quote Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose.”  I have pictures and anything else I can find with those verses on them all around my house and usually where ever I go.  I also make sure I tell myself “I can do it.”  If I think in a negative way,  I won’t be able to do anything I try to do.
  7. Realize that you will have bad days.  I don’t have any misconceptions that every day will go the way I want it to go.   If you are then you’re creating expectations for yourself that you can never fulfill.  Be reasonable and set goals that are attainable and if you don’t succeed at all your goals, forgive yourself, move on and reevaluate what you can do.

I won’t claim to be an expert on this subject, I can only speak to what has worked for me.  I can say that there’s no human being that is perfect and to try to reach perfection is ridiculous and puts you on a road that will lead to your downfall.   I will admit that this feeling of happiness can be overwhelming at times and hard to believe I finally feel this way, but I do.  I know this is real and it’s because I made it happen.   Happiness is a reality but you have to really want it and clear about what the meaning of happiness really is.

 Happiness is a state of well-being and contentment : joy and/or a pleasurable or satisfying experience.  Happiness is also what you and only you make it to be.

CHANGE

I don’t know if this will help anyone else, but because of how I feel that we go through things so we can understand others and be there to help them when they are going through something similar, I need to share what has worked for me.  I have also felt for the longest time that there’s something that the Lord wants me to do to help others and that there are greater things to come that I’m suppose to do someday.  I’ve felt this way for a very long time and I even though I do feel that it is yet to come, who knows?  Maybe even this blog has something to do with his plan for me.  Whatever it is, if I’m not ready when I finally realize that here, it will be o.k. and I will get done whatever it is He has chosen for me to do.

everything possibleThank you Lord Jesus for everything you’ve done for me.  I may not have always appreciated it at the time and there were times I only saw the negative side of things, but you Lord Jesus have opened my eyes to so much.  You have given me understanding that I would have never had if I hadn’t ever suffered and that is such a wonderful gift you have given to me.  Again, THANK YOU LORD JESUS FOR EVERYTHING!

 

UPDATED “ABOUT” PAGE

confidentI just updated my “home” page and wasn’t sure if anyone would be informed about the changes.

I hope everyone finds it to be something they enjoy.

NO REGRETS

BLESSINGS IN DISGUISEIn the past I will admit that I made some very horrible choices. Choices that to this day still have very negative repercussion. Would I make the same choices today? Probably not. Do I regret making those choices?

Absolutely NOT!

How could I look back on any choice I’ve made in the past with regret when I fully know that each of those choices led me to where I am and especially who I am today.

One of my favorite Bible verses is Romans 8:28 “And we know that all thing work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” I think the key word in that verse is “ALL”.

Have you ever had something unexpectedly happen that made you late leaving to go somewhere? Then as your finally on the road driving to that place you see an auto accident that happened moments before and think “Wow, that could of been me.”  I have several times and I don’t look at that “unexpected thing” happening as just a coincidence. I see it as God working in my life to protect me. But it’s not just the good things that happen where God’s working in our lives. It’s all the bad too. My ex-husband was abusive in almost every way possible. I can’t look back on that and wish I hadn’t gone through that. You may ask “Why?” The reason is so simple; I wouldn’t have one of my kids if I hadn’t. How can I regret that. I also wouldn’t be able to understand others who are in the same type of relationships. One thing I would like to do in the future is help others in domestic violence relationship but how can I help them if I don’t understand them.

Bad things will happen in life, but it’s how we use those bad things in the future that counts. I know I’m going to go through many more hurts in life. At that time I will may wish it wouldn’t have happened, but as long as I take something from it and use it, then I have to believe I’m being called according to His purpose.

What’s on my heart today

When the day started and I opened my eyes from sleep that was so needed, immediately I felt a sense of dread.  It didn’t take long to figure out why.

Life’s personal and financial stresses.

 

I just wanted to go back to sleep, but my mind was not going to have it.  No……my mind wouldn’t stop thinking.

 

UGHHHHHHHH……. HERE COMES ANOTHER MIGRAINE/TENSION HEADACHE!

It didn’t matter how hard I would try to focus on other things.  The moment I did, something would happen that would make it worse. You would think I’d be a complete mess by now.  Nope, not even close.  Actually I feel I just got a bit stronger than I was before. I’m still struggling with the stresses of life, but I take comfort in my faith that tells me God will never forsake me.  He’s still here, by my side, holding me up, keeping me strong and making me stronger.

Sometimes I have heard others say “If God was real why would he let you go through the troubles you keep having in life.” I think everyone wants to have a protector that makes sure nothing bad will ever happen, but can you really imagine how life would be if everything was always perfect? I don’t believe it would be the best thing for any of us. Why? Think about that for a moment. I can list so many reasons why that would be more harmful than good.

romans 8 281.) If everything always went the right way, how would we ever learn to appreciate things.

2.) If we had everything and anything we ever wanted don’t you think we would start behaving like a spoiled child?

3.) If you didn’t have to worry about anything going wrong, what lesson would you ever learn, how would you grow?

I’m going to end my the list for now, even though I could keep going and going and going just like the Energizer bunny, but I have to say one last thing. I know that one day I will be in heaven and I will have the peace and rest that almost everyone longs to have, not because I wanted it, but because my faith in God has kept me strong so that I will have not only earned it, but I also deserve it.

Before I end this, I have to say “Thank you Lord Jesus for putting these words in my heart. I know that without you I am nothing, but the love you give me makes me feel like I’m everything I ever wanted to be. I give all the glory to you God and am so thankful for that.”

If you like this and want to share it with others, I think that would be so great. I believe that God lets us go through some things in life to help others who are going through something similar. Maybe there’s a very good reason for how I’ve felt today. Maybe someone’s feeling hopeless. Maybe someone else is on the brink of giving up. Who knows. Maybe just maybe this is God’s way of helping someone get through a day they couldn’t have otherwise. I know I definitely don’t that kind of power, but God does. Remember, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

“And we know that all things work together for good of those who love God: those who are called according to his purpose”
Romans 8:28

TRYING TO HEAL THE HEART

a lil rainThis morning  I realized how much hurt I had let get buried deep inside myself.  To be honest I don’t have anyone in my life that I feel comfortable opening up  to and I know that is no ones fault but my own.

I was the one who let myself shut down.

I started building walls all around me.  At that time, I don’t believe I realized what I was doing, but I can understand why I did that.  I was hurt deeply by the people I was supposed to be able to trust the most.  Somehow I had to find a way to survive especially for my kids.  They needed a parent to take care of them that they didn’t have to fear.  I had to do anything I could to  protect my heart.   It was, after all,  already severely broken and I didn’t feel that it would be able to take much more.  So what did I do?   I started to avoid people, even those I loved.  I was still friendly to anyone and everyone I’d come across, but I always kept them at arm’s length so they couldn’t get close to me.  Then I stopped going places that I had once enjoyed but the worse was when I started going out of the house only when I absolutely had to.   I had become a hermit and the only one who could fix it was me.

I feel there is only one way I am going to ever truly heal.   First I need to knock down all the walls I had built so high.  Once done, I need to open up some of the old wound so I can let them drain and heal properly.  The only way I think I can successfully do that is if I start opening up about the past, write about my experiences, how they made me feel and any lesson that I learned from them.  I need to learn to stop always being the caretaker and realize it’s okay to let others  take care of  me.   I think that will end up being the hardest part, but I know that it’s something I have to learn to do and the sooner the better.

To start the healing process I need to try to train myself to take the time to post updates on this blog .  I’m not quite sure where I’m going to start, but using an “In the beginning” format probably wouldn’t work for me, it’s going to be what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it.

I just want to say thank you to anyone who is reading this now and/or any future updates I post.  Just knowing someone took that time to hear me out makes a world of a difference.

 

SOMETIMES IT HURTS LOVING SOMEONE SO SO MUCH

In my last post I spoke about how much I want for my kids and I meant every word I said, but I’m feeling very conflicted .  It has to do with the fact that I’m always taking care of others and I’ve put myself on the  back burner for so long that I don’t know how to change it.  The thing is I’m feeling very good about who I’ve become these days and I don’t want that to change but I can’t ever seem to win when it comes to getting others to understand I need their help too and when I try to help in some way, it’s so misunderstood and don’t just don’t understand why.

Let me try to give you an example of what I’m talking about.

One of my kids has their drivers permit and in the beginning I knew I wasn’t the person to teach them to drive.  Not because I didn’t want to, it has to do with I’m afraid something could happen to them when their on the road and although I have found that I have so much strength that I never thought I could eve r have…..if something happened to one of them I don’t know if I could handle that.  I even expressed to my child how I felt, after all it was a car accident that changed my life and put me on disability.  I wouldn’t change what happened to me, but I still don’t want any my kids to go through what I had to.  I’d rather them never have to feel any pain.

Anyway, my dad was the one who stepped up and gave driving lessons and now it’s about time to take the drivers test.  The past couple of week s I’ve let my child drive with me, but the moment I try to give any advice about something that I felt could get in the way of obtaining that license, I was supposedly pressuring and insulting my child.   It’s any advice or help I try to give, “things are different now….,” is the usual excuse!

One thing I need to mention is that I was still with their dad and my abusive ex husband up until 6 years ago.  I left him several times due to domestic violence but would go back to him mainly so I could keep the kids safe.  They were so young and he was starting to take his temper out on them at times and the only way I could protect them was by being there too.  Then when he had tried to kick my dog and instead ended up kicking me where I went flying in the air across the room I got us away from him again.  The difference was the kids were now older and very verbal about how afraid they were of him to a counselor.  That counselor was going to testify to that in court so they would be protected too so his attorney told him it was possible her could lose any custody rights and so my ex offered to agree to a Court order that stated the kids would be able to decide for themselves when and if they wanted to see him.  He was sure they would want to, but that wasn’t the choice any of them made and to this date the only one who has gone to visit him is my oldest daughter who is now an adult, but I never just by herself and never overnight.  Usually no more than an hour or two and only a few times.

The reason I mentioned that is because of the guilt I felt for them having to go through that and they knew that and used the guilt I felt to get away with some things.  I went from taking care of everything for my ex to taking care of everything thing for my kids and I lost myself on the way.  I didn’t make them do any chores even though I was the one on disability.  Although they know I’m getting worse I still can’t get the help I need and a lot of that is my fault, but not all of it.

There’s still so much to this story, but I’m really tired now so I will try to write more on it next time.  I also appreciate just knowing I can’t come here and talk about what I’m feeling.  It’s been holed up inside for so long and having a way to get some of the hurt out…..so necessary.

Thank you again for listening.

 

WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

Just saying that makes me feel like a little kid again, at least temporarily, but unfortunately it all center around being an adult.  An adult who has responsibilities, who has others she provides for and who has many relying on her all the while not having anyone she really can rely on.

CAN’T I PLEASE JUST BE A KID AGAIN?

I’d give anything to go back to those days when all I worried about is what fun I was going to have that day, but those days are gone and although I’d love to not have so many worries, I still wouldn’t give up the people in my life just so I could.

As the 2012 Holiday season begins, I’m finding myself deep in thought about so many things.  For one, the past few years my holiday spirit  for the most part had gone “POOF” .  It seemed Christmas was mainly about money and since that is something I pretty much lack, I guess I just gave up.  I don’t want that this year.  I want to go back to where I would go over the top decorating the house.  I don’t think I have even put my Christmas tree up for the last two years and not only due to financial reasons, but physical ones too.  I gave up on myself and didn’t even try…….NOT THIS YEAR!  This year I’m going to go so over the top it will take a while for anyone to track me down.

So I named this post of mine “What I want for Christmas”  and really it’s not really about what I want for Christmas but what I want for others.  First of all, for once I would like to say to my kids “No problem, we can get that.”

I’d also like to get my oldest son something he’s been saying he’s wanted for some time now.  He knows what that is and it’s not something frivolous, but it definitely is not something I could afford.  Cheapest is around $400.00.  My youngest daughter would like things for her room and clothes that aren’t from Goodwill and my youngest son needs a computer that doesn’t constantly freeze on him.  My oldest daughter is getting married and there’s many things she’s going to need and I would just like to enjoy going into a store again.  That is something that’s hard to do when you can’t afford to buy Christmas presents for the ones you love.

Somehow I’m going to make sure that this is a good X-mas.  Would be nice if my ex would cough up a bit of the almost $100,000 he owes me for back child support, but I’ve given up on thinking that will ever happen.  One thing I can say is even though I’m living on disability, I have supported my kids and we may not have the best of everything, but we have survived so far and have even thrived in many ways.  He couldn’t say that.  It’s called being a parent something he never has understood.

Probably will be posting more on both of these subjects, but that’s it for now.  Hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving!  God Bless!

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