God…..Please help me, please tell me what it is you want me to be doing!
I have a feeling that the answer is right in front of my eyes but fear is standing in the way of me seeing what it is. What fear could I possibly have. Oh……gosh there are so many. The biggest one is the fear of not doing the right thing. More than anything else I want to do the right thing. Actually, when I do the wrong thing by mistake, I beat myself up for it. My kids tease me about how I get angry with myself while going through an intersection and I don’t get through it before the light turns red. I don’t why I’m so hard on myself but I think I need to be. No one can be responsible for any choice I make but me. So if I don’t discipline myself, and I do something wrong, the consequences could be dire. I’d rather correct any wrong I’m doing so it never goes that far.
So how am I suppose to find the path I’m suppose to be on when I can’t get past the fear of failing. I don’t know what to do. I also think about how some say that you need to have your own house in order before you can help others. My house is definitely not in order and it’s not from a lack of trying, more from guilt I use have about the past and letting myself be treated more like a doormat than anything else. I’ve changed a lot, but just because I changed doesn’t mean everyone has to. But where do you draw the line? I think I need an answer to that and so much more before I finally realize my full potential.
I’m a mom. I’m a Christian. Which is more important to me? Some may not agree with what I’m going to say, but I feel being a Christian is more important than anything else. Still……how am I suppose to separate myself from the responsibility of being a mom? That’s something I’m really struggling with now.
In a perfect world, I would have total control of my household. My kids would be on the same page as I am and would understand my desires completely. We don’t live in a perfect world though and if we did I don’t believe I would be where I am today spiritually. I feel God had me go through difficult times to give me understanding I couldn’t possibly have without going through everything I did. I shutter at the thought of who I would be if I things didn’t go the way they did.
Some would say “I’m off my rocker” by saying I’m glad I’ve gone through everything I have. Let’s see…..Epilepsy, eating disorder, suicide attempts, domestic violence/abuse, auto accident that contributed to becoming disabled and many other health issues, ongoing financial issues, etc…but I wouldn’t trade any of thing for something good. I wouldn’t be me then and finally, for once in my life, I’m glad I’m me.
I’m going to continue to search for the path the Lord wants me to be on and when I do it will be because the Lord said “it’s time,” not before. I believe his plan for me is going the way it is supposed to be and I’m questioning this so much so I can find that path. All I need to do is put all my trust in the Lord.
“But desire the greater gifts. And I will show you an even better way.” 1 Corinthians 12:31