PAINFUL FACTS AND HOW WRITING ON A WHIM HELPS ME
Lately I’ve been extremely busy playing catch up (ya right, honestly it’s more like get one thing done only to add two more to do) and so I haven’t had mu ch time to spend on my blog, so when I felt the need to express myself it’s been mainly on Facebook. With Facebook I don’t have to spend a lot of time in thought on what I want to say. Usually I post what’s on my mind right at that very moment. When something unexpected happens that I want to share, there’s my friends on Facebook that I can share my news with at a click of a button. By letting my feelings out when they’re still raw and new keeps them from being bottled up which has been incredibly …… FREEING, as well as HEALING. I feel when I admit what I feel I also accept who I am and start to process what is necessary to change whatever needs to be changed. With that being said, I want to point out another thing I really like about Facebook…… Seeing that someone commented on a post. Even it’s something as simple as WTG or :); to me it has brought me to where I am now, what this post is really about and I wish it wasn’t true. It is though and it something I for me I need to change and I can’t do that without confronting this problem, but here it goes…
OPENING THAT DEEP INFECTED WOUND NOW
TEARING OFF ALL THOSE BANDAGES THAT HAS COVERED IT UP FOR THIS LONG
THAT FACT IS………………..A
I FAILED…. FAILED IN MANY WAYS…. AS A DAUGHTER, AS A SISTER, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY AS A PARENT. SOMEONE SAYING THAT I DIDN’T WON’T HELP AT ALL BECAUSE KNOW IT’S TRUE AND I CAN’T GO BACK AND CHANGE THAT FACT AND THE TRUTH IS I WOULDN’T EITHER. AS MUCH AS I WISH I HAD NOT MADE THE MISTAKES I HAVE, I ALSO BELIEVE THAT WITHOUT THOSE MISTAKES I WOULDN’T BE THE PERSON I AM TODAY………….
I WOULDN’T BE ME AND I HONESTLY LIKE WHO I’M BECOMING
So now I need to make the biggest change yet.
Changing how I let others treat me. I’m tired of knowing that my opinion doesn’t matter that much to those around me.
It hurts to admit this but it’s very clear that I’m not valued by those I should be. These are one that time after time again I’ve bent over backwards for and they now expect me to continue to do that. I’m not appreciated even when they tell me I am, but their action speak volumes and honestly I think I’ve let out all I can for now. It’s just too painful. I just want to be given the love I give to others, but I don’t have and if I don’t deal with this, I never will.
Before I go, I’m going to share something I wrote and posted on Facebook.
IN MY OPINION – WHAT I HAVE BEEN PONDERING IN THOUGHT LATELY (JUST ANOTHER STEP IN THE QUEST TO BETTER MYSELF)
I think I’ve always been a kid at heart, even as a kid I was always trying to make other kids happy. I love going to amusement parks, bowling, etc….. and just having lots of fun. If the day ended with laughter then my heart smiled.
Even though I don’t want to lose that heart of mine, I also feel I need to take a step back from always being the parent that takes kids everywehere. I want to see if there are other adults out there who are more like me (I know there is somewhere) and who believes in 50/50 relationship,s as the saying goes “I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine.” Unfortunately, this world has mostly become a “ME, ME, ME and FORGET YOU world and I don’t want those type of relationships anymore. What example do I set if I’m ok with everything being one-sided. I think I deserve happiness, but I think my happiness is viewed as what’s least important.
Kids eventually grow up (as they should) and I feel as kids get older and have been hurt by life most end up conforming to how most of the world lives and from my view it’s usually a “I’m going to hurt you before you can hurt me” attitude and that also SUCKS.
I WAS TAUGHT TREAT OTHERS AS YOU YOURSELF WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED AND I WON’T STOP LIVING THAT WAY AND I KNOW THERE WILL BE TIMES I SLIP AND NOT DO THE RIGHT THING BUT HOPEFULLY I WILL REALIZE IT AND APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY I ACTED. ADMITTING YOUR FAULTS IS A PART OF GROWING THAT IS ESSENTIAL IN THIS QUEST I’M ON. I DON’T WANT TO TRY TO BE PERFECT, ONLY IS GOD IS PERFECT AND I DON’T THINK I COULD LIKE MYSELF MUCH IF I WAS LIVING DISHONESTLY AND NOT BEING MYSELF. I ALSO FEEL T A HO HAT A PERSON THAT CAN ADMIT WHEN THEIR WRONG IS A PERSON WHO ACCEPTS THEMSELVES AND OTHERS JUST FOR WHO THEY ARE!
I hope my random thoughts are not bothersome to others. I can’t hold those feelings in anymore and part of healing of my heart is to open the bottled up ones as well as not bottling my feelings up anymore. I have to be true to myself and just be “ME!”
and as much as I hate to lose any of my friends here I wouldn’t want someone to stay who feels annoyed by me. I won’t delete anyone without good reason, so if I do annoy you by sharing my feelings, for the best of both of us, please delete me.